John Stamos Fever

BYU lineman celebrates win; can’t have sex with girlfriend

Dervin — Tue, 27 Sep 2011 22:40:33 +0000

In a shocking turn of events, just before the NCAA tournament last year, Brandon Davies, a starter on the BYU hoops team, was suspended for violating the school’s honor code, which states that students are not allowed to take part in (even) consensual sex.

It seems that #91 here will have to satisfy all his carnal needs on a huge buffet at the Sizzler.

Just another outbreak of JSF, this time in Marquette MI

Dervin — Sat, 08 Jan 2011 03:32:43 +0000

Bud Sargent knows just what the fever is all about. In fact, in an article he wrote last year in The Mining Journal (true story), he describes several females severely taken by the fever.

Two women – note I said women and not girls – were ahead of me in line there and I couldn’t help but overhear their conversation.

The one on the left said she had heard Stamos, who is, perhaps, best known for his portrayal of Uncle Jesse on the TV sitcom “Full House,” was seen just the night before in a local bar, actually drinking and chatting it up with the locals.

Her friend was barely able to contain herself and breathlessly nodded that she was in receipt of the same report. She suggested that they should ask him out for a drink if they got the chance when he exited the federal courthouse following that morning’s testimony.

That’s the fever right there, my friends.

In fact, the paper’s managing editor even gave the story the headline Stamos Fever’ grips city amid federal prosecution.

Pretty sure that managing editor owes me a reference in his next missive to the fine* people of Marquette, Michigan. And who would that be? Yup, you guessed it. Bud Sargent.

* maybe they aren’t so fine, considering the reason Johnny Gorgeous was in town was to appear in court as the victim of an extortion attempt. Check out the Mining Journal like whoa.

Vince Chase’s character is based on Uncle Jesse

Dervin — Sat, 07 Aug 2010 03:45:03 +0000

Don’t even think for a minute that I’ve missed that fact that our Golden Boy has joined the cast of Entourage, playing a hilarious sore loser/one time candidate to be Johnny Drama’s co-star. Looking as young and Uncle Jesse-like as ever no less. It’s great to see America’s Favorite Uncle (this title is not supported by any sort of nonsense scientific voting) back on the small screen doing what he does best: being cool. Looking as spry as he did back when he was dropping beats faster than he was dropping panties with the Rippers, Stamos on the show is a hardcore ping pong enthusiast. With some pretty damn good moves, no stunt double needed, thank you very much. This all reminds me of the Full House episode that I saw last week when Uncle Jesse lifts Nicki and Alex up, one in each arm, while he was leg pressing two thousand pounds. Literally. Don’t worry, Aunt Becky was spotting him.

Four Days of Awesomeness Planned, 0/1 Thus Far

Dervin — Sun, 25 Jul 2010 13:44:37 +0000

Like a movie pausing during a tornado sequence, I am in the middle of 4 straight* nights of utter and complete awesomeness**

*Mon and Tue pending availability of my physical person to leave work

** As you’ll see below, we did not get off to a stellar start.

Sat 7/24: M.IA on Governor’s Island. Probably the worst concert experience of my life . And I’ve seen a since forgotten band open for Modest Mouse where the lead singer just screamed animal sounds for half an hour. For Governor’s Island, which is a three minute boat ride from Manhattan, we had an hour and a half wait in line for the ferry. At the end of the line, then again when we entered the stage area, we endured a prison quality search. We actually had to take OFF OUR F’ING SHOES to get into the field where the stage was. Once in, we dealt with overpriced beer ($7 cans) and water ($4 bottles), an awful sound system that caused my roommate Jack and I to leave three songs into M.I.A, who on this night did, despite the awful sound of her music, shake her lady bits in such astonishing ways that it almost made me sad to leave Governor’s Island. The overall general misery that we endured does not speak well for NYC’s ability to hold a festival. After our exit, we had to walk about half a mile around the island to an alternate dock. The only plus was that for five minutes during our voyage, a rain so hard began to fall that people were literally acting like they got shot. Ok, not literally at all, but it was a “wickahd hahd rain storm” in Boston speak. But since we were on the covered barge used to ferry cars to and from the island, we miraculously stayed dry. Along with this, Jack and I agreed, if it hadn’t been for late night falafel sandwiches from the Munch Truck near our apartment, it would have been a complete waste of a Saturday night. Basically we paid $65 apiece to experience a summer night in prison. But at least we didn’t become anyone’s bitch.

Sun 7/25: Yankees vs. Royals game. Normally I wouldn’t be into watching Satan’s Army play a AAA+ team, but what the hell. I mean, we are sitting in Mark Cuban’s seats. But it’s not a big deal. I’m going with my other roommate, Chris, and hopefully Yankee Stadium is more friendly than Governor’s Island.

Monday: The first night of my NYC park tour. Monday it will be The Flaming Lips jamming at Summer Stage in Central Park. After seeing them in Montclair, NJ earlier this year, my excitement knows no bounds. They are the ultimate trippy show.

Tuesday: The second and last night of the NYC Park Tour occurs when I will venture nearby to Brooklyn’s Prospect Park to see one of my favorites, The National tear it up in the Band Shell. I’m currently obsessed with (and presently enjoying) their newest album, High Violet.

Whatever happens, at least one thing is for sure: the shoes will stay on for the duration of the next three events.

Oh, hello again. This is what I think about facebook. At this moment.

Dervin — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 05:14:33 +0000

Like many people in my generation, I populate two worlds: real life, and facebook life. (I think I am a boring friend. I don’t farm, I hate the mafia and I will never, ever, poke you. But I will wish you a happy birthday until the day you die. After which, unless apparently someone lets facebook know, your profile will be your virtual gravestone. That got morbid fast. Back to the main point at hand) Facebook is a fantastic site for getting in touch, staying in touch, and of course, stalking people. The usefulness of the site as a stalking tool cannot be underestimated. It could only be a more effective stalking tool if it were, say, MySpace. But that’s a whole different type of stalking. On MySpace I feel like stalkers are targeting random people, or famous people, or people pretending to be someone else (read: famous). Facebook, on the other hand, is all about being you. And thanks to the trusty newsfeed feature, I know A LOT about a lot of people that I don’t really know that well. While I have met every one of my “friends”, I wouldn’t say we are close associates in all cases.

I’ve been tempering my use lately, mostly because every time I sign onto the site now, I see stuff like this:

Note: I am too lazy to take a screen shot, edit said screen shot so my “friend”, if they somehow stumbled across my “blog” and saw “themselves” they would be “mad”. I like my quotation marks like I like my pickles. . . extras. Anyway, I’m just writing it out for you.

Female: “I start at [new job] in June! YAY!!! Hanging out with my 2 buttfaces [girl] and [guy] OH and EX’S SUCK!!!!!!!! Especially dead beat dad ex’s! URRRRRRRRGGGGG!!!!!!!!!”

Apparently buttfaces in this case as good things to be hanging with. Also, she hates an ex who owns an exclamation point?

Get it? Total grammar burn.

But then there are the statuses that make it all worthwhile, that bring me back to what facebook is great for: seeing what’s going on in actual friends’ lives without being the creepy annoying guy who calls/tweets/texts/sends notes/sends flowers/hires a messenger/sends e-cards/writes on your wall/pokes you/sends you private facebook messages/sends you requests to do something for them in a place called farmville (which can be a whole other dissertation if that’s what the people want)/uses smoke signals too often/actually *gasp* goes to see you in person. Because you literally can’t make contact with your friends all the time, unless you have no friends, or you are super aggressive. In which case, you may soon have no friends.

Because a lot of my “friends” double as my friends, and my friends are, in the words of Barney Stinson, legen- wait for it . . . -dary, I have the pleasure of seeing gems like this on my newsfeed:

Female: “Pick-up line du jour outside of the courthouse: Hey sweetness, I want you to send me a text.”

I guess the key is finding a balance. Maybe not necessarily being friends with everyone from your high school biology class. Sidenote- BEST PICK-UP LINE EVER

LeFevour has. . . THE FEVER

Dervin — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 05:06:08 +0000

Dan LeFevour not only has The Fever, he literally is (in French maybe) The Fever. And he gives it to me. The quarterback for the Central Michigan Chippewas led his team to a thrilling two overtime victory in the GMAC Bowl over some other unranked team tonight.

I turned to the game just in time to see the Chippewas return a kickoff for a touchdown, only to have that followed on the next possession by a silky smooth thirty yard laser from The Fever.

Ladies (as if there are girls who read this blog), I want you to glance into those eyes and try to tell me that you wouldn’t like to catch The Fever from LeFevour.

The Greatest Fan Stache EVER

Dervin — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 01:42:22 +0000

Yes, I have been cheating on JSF and writing for another blog (www.stachist.com).

Yes, I have been neglecting all (14?) of you loyal readers who have the Fever.

Yes, I posted the following picture on Stachist earlier tonight:

It's like a roller coaster of awesomeness!

But let’s be serious here. This guy, the San Fran mustache super fan, obviously has the Fever like few others do. He’s even from the same town as Uncle Jesse. I paused my television long enough to take this picture, but not before staring at this image for ten minutes and starting to drool.

I don’t even know what you call this style of mustache, but there is only one description of it: legendary.

Party of the Decade: You’re Invited Even if You Didn’t Make the Video

Dervin — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 20:02:11 +0000

Yes, I realize that it is not hard to be the party of the decade when the decade is only a few hours old, but still, the overwhelming odds are that a throw down with the following legends on the invite list is going to be pretty life altering:

- Flava Flav

- The Balloon Boy

- The Ninja Turtles

- Mr. T

- Zack Morris

- The Kool Aid Man

- A freaking Tyrannosaurus Rex

- John Stamos (Obviously)

- You

Here is your invitation, courtesy of Mosher, myself, apple products, William Wallace, magic markers and the song “Heavy Lifting” by Ambulance LTD.

Interview of the Century with Essence Magazine aka “If the sex is not on point, we will not go to the next level. Sorry”

Dervin — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 18:09:01 +0000

I had never read, or for that matter seen, Essence magazine before last week. Which was the week during which I turned the corner into the kitchen area of my office and ran into the magazine rack. The December issue of Essence stared back at me, and I could see the reflection of me in it’s glossy cover. A reflection if, in another life, I was Black (that is how they refer to African-Americans in Essence. And I am a White person, so it is kosher) comedian Steve Harvey, and his luxurious mustache. I brought the issue home, to not only write about Harvey’s stache for my other blog ‘Stachist, but also to get a read on how a Black woman can get the real facts about men, as the cover also promises an article about how to “Get the Love You Deserve: Real men on sex, cheating & what makes them commit.” Essence‘s spine claims to be the place “Where Black Women Come First.”

If you really want all the details, the issue is on newsstand’s now. The following is just a sample of what you will be getting:

Background: “Relationships editor Demetricia L. Lucas asked single Black men the questions you’ve always wanted to ask- “How do I get from wifey to wife? What do men want in bed?” – and she gets a straight response. Fasten your seat belts.”

JSF: Do it sisters, trust me.

Opening of Lucas’s article: “When assigned the task of talking talking to five single alpha-male Black men (yes, ladies, you read that right) for a day’s work, I leaped, literally, at the opportunity. I mean, really, what woman wouldn’t? What I got from these fine and forthright brothers was beyond my expectations.”

JSF: Yes ladies, you read that right. What’s that? You want responses from five guys that sound a lot like they are straight out of the movie The Wood, which is a coming of age Black story about growing up. Yes? Well, do you want to know what you should know about sex? Because Essence is trying to help you. The sixth question in the interview is posted below. Dap Countdown: 30 seconds.

Essence: How important is good sex?

Rich: I’m say on a scale of one to ten, good sex is about a 15. Men who front and say it’s not important are lying.

Wes: If the sex game is not on point, we will not go to the next level. Sorry

Rich: At 30 you should know how to please somebody whether you’re a man or a woman.

Brian: Yeah, you’re playing varsity now. This ain’t JV.

Norman: Good sex is the be-all and end-all, but D, please tell women that every man they meet is not trying to get in your pants. It’s just not that serious. I meet women every day who I can have casual sex with. It’s not hard. If I’m spending time with a woman, I’m interested in her, not just in sex. [There is a unanimous cosign for this statement, and, of course, dap is exchanged.]

Rich: Thank you! Anytime I’ve ever invited a woman to my house, she thinks I’m trying to get some. Sometimes I just want to hang out and be financially smart about it.

Brian: [Laughs] Yes! But you don’t want to spend $25 on groceries for a great dinner instead of $70- minimum- to take her out.

Joel: But if the Barry White just happens to come on. . . [Unanimous laughter]

JSF: Dear readers, please find a loved one, and exchange dap. If you don’t know what dap is, you should. And then exchange it. If you’re White like me, tune into Pardon the Interuption on weeknights at 5:30 on ESPN to see a bald White jewish guy and a bald Black guy talk about sports and have the White one refer to daps. Which, to my knowledge, are first bumps. But for an expert opion, please, for my sake, for your sake, pick up the December issue of Essence.

Or don’t.

Watching six years olds get dominated by the man, the myth the legend: Nyrel Sevillayrel

Dervin — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 04:20:42 +0000

Somewhere in this land, six year olds are allowed to play full contact, cutthroat football. To the sheer horror of two kids who came into contact with the Nyrel Sevilla aka “the hardest hitting six year old in the game,” and will likely no longer play football. At least not the quarterback who gets sacked while he stands there begging someone to take a hand-off, fumbles, and can be heard crying while his legs move in the universal bike peddling-while-you’re-on-your-back sign of misery.

The running back who, for some reason, decides to turn towards Nyrel instead of going out of bounds at least looks like he may live to run again, despite being used used as the ball in bowling for kids on the sideline.

Watching this is kind of like watching a bunch of six year olds in the shallow end of a swimming pool when all of a sudden a great white shark comes and eats one of them. In this case, seeing a kid get eaten by a shark will be one of the funniest things you will see all week.