You can't sweat out . . .

Bloody nipples are terrifying, and world records are hot

In Uncle Jesse's Favorites on January 27, 2009 at 11:50 pm

I came to three very important realizations today:

1) I will never, ever, run a marathon.

The route of the New York City marathon passes my apartment 7 miles from the start, and each of the past two years, I have stumbled out of my bed at 9 in the morning to walk outside and watch as men and women run past, their spirits and energy levels still high.  Seeing these runners always makes me think in the back of my mind, This would be a great challenge, maybe I should look into doing it. Then, both years, I looked down and saw that I was still wearing my Halloween costume from the night before (both marathons were run on the Sunday after Halloween), and decided that running 26.2 consecutive miles probably just wasn’t for me.

The text I received from my buddy Ploof today really helped cement my desire to never run:  “[My girlfriend and I] ran the marathon in 4 hours, 40 minutes.  Two hours of which I ran sans shirt due to bloody nipples.  3 hours of which my upper thighs needed to be wrapped in vaseline coated ace bandages due to chaffage.”

This marks the first time that bloody nipples have caused me to decide anything in my life.

2) I made a horrible, horrible mistake when I failed to include Joe Esposito’s “Best Around” in The Karate Kid in my top movie songs list.

While overall the list dominated, failing to include this song, in this movie, is borderline inexcusable.  Especially when I actually break into the song at least once a week, “You’re the best around. . . NOTHING’S EVER GONNA KEEP YOU DOWN,” at random times.  It really fits in any situation: I can keep equally pumped up to play a basketball game or make a sandwich when I start channeling my inner Joey Esposito.

3) This Sunday I am going swimming.

Not having hot water for 8 days (the streak ended yesterday) apparently wasn’t enough to chill me to the bone, so I am going to take the Polar Bear plunge into the Atlantic Ocean on Super Bowl Sunday.  I’m shivering now just thinking about it.

Mosher and I will be joining two epic guys I work with, Storelli and Corrigan, along with thousands of others, in an attempt to set a Guinness World Record:

Two important considerations go into this.  First, if we do in fact set the world record, we have the option of purchasing an official world record certificate. Is it a rip off?  Probably.  Will it look awesome on my wall? Undoubtedly.

Second, as always, frozen nipples > bloody nipples.

  1. Kudos to you Seany Boy for being just crazy enough to take the icy plunge. I’ve been dunking in the icy Atlantic every January for the past 8 years or so and it is literally a breath taking experience. My advice to you is do not hesitate for even a moment. The slightest delay will only prolong your time in the water leading to a much more painful experience. Also, make sure you completely dunk under the water. I have very little respect for people who claim to be Polar Bears but barely get their hair wet. Good luck and Godspeed.

  2. On the plus side to my horrific chaffage, I find A+D Ointment works quite well to dispell any post strenuous activity chaffage for us males who are prone to such. Who says A+D is only for diaper rash?

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