You can't sweat out . . .

A-Rod’s pink lips do not deserve to be on any of these delicious bottles of beer

In Uncle Jesse's Favorites on February 10, 2009 at 1:30 am

Watching Alex Rodriguez on Sportscenter talk about how the pressure of a $252 million contract led him to take performance enhancing drugs reminds me of the time I took performance enhancing drugs after reaching $7.25 an hour for my work study job back in college.  His was the richest contract in sports history.  Mine, the maximum amount students could make per hour.  Yes, we were both living the dream.  Perhaps the only difference, besides a few hundred million dollars, is the fact that, without a shadow of a doubt, A-Rod wears lip gloss.  His lips are WAY too pink for a normal human, and it almost makes me want to not have HD TV.

Also, he claims not to know what his performance enhancing drug was.   I know exactly what mine was, and is: beer.  It enhances my performance in every way.  When I drink, I become funnier, better looking, smarter, and more popular.  I also become delusional.

Don't drink the beer!  The beer has gone bad!

Don't drink the beer! The beer has gone bad!

I doubt A-Rod has ever even had a beer, besides the time when he spit it out, captured on film above (the caption is a shout out to the Los Man and MaineCoast12 who both pointed out my regrettable exclusion of Can’t Hardly Wait from the post on Chick Flicks).  But if he ever wants to try it, I recommend he follow the JSF endorsement of the best beers to drink straight from the bottle.  Everyone knows the ultimate canned beer is PBR (Bud Heavy is the runner up), and out of a keg, well, Natty Ice always starts the party with a bang, and then ends it just as quickly when people start blacking out accidentally.

In first place, without question, is the High Life.  The beer itself rules.  The girl in the moon on the logo rules.  The shape and feel of the bottle in your hand rules.  The fact that it truly is the champagne of beers rules.  Everything about High Life out of a bottle rules.

Just living the dream . . .

Just living the dream . . .

The second best beer to drink straight out of the bottle is the classic Sierra Nevada.  Sure, the beer is delicious: a classic IPA from NoCal.  It goes down smooth and leaves a somewhat bitter, but satisfying aftertaste.  The bodega around the corner from my apartment sells Sierra Nevada 22 oz.  This counts as both a bottle and an awesome deal.  But even more important is how fantastically artistic and sexy you will feel while you hold the bottle.  I mean, this thing is a work of art.  It makes me want to drop everything and head for the California hills, where life is tinted in a glorious shade of green with yellow and orange accents.

If I ever meet a girl who looks like you, beautiful Sierra Nevada bottle, I will marry her

If I ever meet a girl who looks like you, beautiful Sierra Nevada bottle, I will marry her

A close third place, especially in warm weather, is the classic Corona with a lime.  There is perhaps nothing better than sitting next to a lake with a cold Corona in your hand.  Besides, of course, watching A-Rod self-destruct.

Without a lime, Heineken would be in this picture

Without a lime, Heineken would be in this picture

  1. Big Sean

    Not to get too Hubie Brown on you here, but anytime you can incorporate a Can’t Hardly Wait reference into a blog post on a Tuesday, you’re looking at a chance to really make some special things happen. Also, I failed to comment on your last post, but let’s just say that there’s a reason that Bob Barker was burying 30 year old models when he was in his 70’s and an equally strong reason why Drew Carey has never been to second base.

    Keep Dominating.

  2. Ahh yes, High Life has it all. The delicious taste, the girl in the moon, and some of the best advertisements. I enjoy the high life so much I once penned a haiku about it:
    Oh! Girl in the moon.
    Summer time is at its end.
    See you in the fall.

  3. A-Rod is terrifying as a male specimen, but I often wonder what he’d look like in drag.

    And next time I see you at a bar, I’m gonna buy you a real beer.

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