You can't sweat out . . .

When Wii bowling goes horribly, horribly wrong

In Come on!, Great Television Destruction 2009 on February 16, 2009 at 1:26 pm

Saturday night was a roller coaster ride through the highs and lows of life, accented by tequila, life imitating art, utter dispair, and good people.  Jack triumphantly arrived back at the homestead after a successful Manhattan brunch where numerous screwdrivers were imbibed and cute birds were chatted up (today I kind of feel like sprinkling in cockney British slang) with two college buddies, Sully and Cyrus.  Cyrus sits on the couch all day with such ease and frequency that Jack and Sully, the co-frontmen of Sweet Wizard Band (a band so classy that they took their promotional pictures on our building’s roof), recorded their only song about this (lack of) action.

Soon, beers magically appeared (did I mention they are sweet wizards?), and then tequila shots joined the party (poured from the handle we have been gradually killing with calculated attacks since our two day New Year’s event).  Needless to say, the good times were rolling, and the only way we could think to make it sweeter was to add the element of competition to the mix.  Firing up the Wii, bowling seemed like the best group option for the four of us.  And it was, particularly for me.

Even in real life, bowling and booze are fantastic combination for me.  Thursday night bowling league in college and $2 drafts at the alley? One game I got a 222.  First company outing at my first job out of college with pitchers of brews?  One video ipod won for high score of the night, a 187.  Saturday night?  Headed down that proverbial lane.

Six frames in and I had two spares and four strikes.  I had just rolled a spare on my last turn, missing out on whatever comes after a Turkey.  Tossing the controller over to Jack, I sat back to let Sully go.  As I was bowling the Wii game of my life, I felt a more distinguised seating position suited me, so I lifted my right foot and rested it on my left thigh, creating a perpendicular angle with my knee.

This decision would soon prove fatal for a most beloved appliance as we decided to re-enact the annoying Southwest Airline commercial you have undoubtedly seen, when the guy throws a Wii remote into his friend’s wall mounted flatscreen TV, only to have the TV fall down and smash through the table below.  Yes, Sully channeled that guy on his next roll when the remote shot out of his hand after striking the right toe of my sneaker.  But the guy who installed our TV was apparently more skilled than the technician responsible for allowing the force created by one pound remote being thrown at it from ten feet away that knock a TV off its moorings in the commercial.  So our table is safe.  And believe me, I was pissed at this point (but not really that angry.  Come on, I warned you about the cockney slang).

Oh, the humanity!

Oh, the humanity!

It’s not a pretty picture (although those are some pretty awesome colors that resulted).  Sully, being a stand up wizard, has offered to pay for the same TV if I want it, but to give me that amount if I instead want to upgrade.  So far, in the year and a half we have lived here, we have evolved from a 32” Samsung to the corpse of the 42” Sharp that you see above.

In an effort to support the economy and continue watching sports (or Lifetime movies) on a quality set, I have no choice but to upgrade to a 46” Samsung.  My mouth is watering just thinking of the picture quality, the crispness of color, and the boner inducing clarity of contrast.

But for now, it’s all about the colors.  By the way, from the audio, I was able to determine that the picture above was taken during a segment where Martha Stewart was interviewing Bill Clinton.  The subject they were discussing at the exact moment I clicked my camera?  The saxophone.  Somewhere, Joe Sargent and MaineCoast12 are smiling.

  1. Sean

    The fact that you didn’t destroy anyone and everyone in your path after the destruction of your beautiful television is a testament to your status as a great humanitarian. The fact that Bill Clinton was talking about the saxophone at the time you took that picture is a testament to his undying awesomeness.

  2. I would just like to point out that that’s Martha Stewart who was interviewing Bill Clinton, not Barbara Walters as you previously stated. Don’t ask how I know, just trust.

  3. Before I comment on your appliance situation, I need to fully disclose the actual circumstances under which I am currently living. 1) There is a five-month old baby in the house that dictates every decision I make. 2)All of my money goes to mortgage payments and infant formula. 3)I routinely go to bed by 9:00, an event that hasn’t occurred since childhood. 4)I am living in a home without cable television! Note: This experiment is taking place prior to spring training and may result in divorce.

    I was initially quite disheartened to see the horrific results of bowling night but I quickly shifted my perspective. Now that you understand where I am coming from, I can’t believe you have a Wii AND a 42″ flatscreen HDTV AND you are living a city life that is monumentally cooler than my own. I don’t even have cable! How is this possible? From this point on, I will officially be living vicariously through your experiences. Feel free to embellish and exaggerate for my personal benefit.

    On a sidenote, maybe I could make an occasional guest blogger appearance like Uncle Frank on Jimmy Kimmell.

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