You can't sweat out . . .

He shoots, he scores! Laces out, Dan!

In Just absolutely dominating people, The Sporting Life, Uncle Jesse's Favorites on March 10, 2009 at 10:43 pm

Want to pick up a girl?  Use a movie quote.  (This may be slightly to moderately successful)

Want to make your friends laugh?  Use a movie quote. (This may be very to extremely successful)

Want to create the best signature goal call in the history of the NHL on radio*? Use a movie quote.

(* This statement is, of course, absolute assumption, as I had previously never heard another NHL goal call)

Thanks to my uncle Mike (and the Dan Le Batard show), I am now aware of a genius at work near the southernmost point of our great country.  The play by play announcer of the Florida Panthers, Randy Moller, is making goals by the Florida Panthers among my favorite plays in sports.  If he announced Red Sox homeruns like he does Panthers tallies, I don’t think I would ever miss another Sox game on the radio.

You see, with help from the suggestions of listeners to the Dan Le Batard radio show, Moller, a former 13 year NHL vet, peppers goal calls with references from some of the most quotable movies ever.   Examples of his work:

“He shoots, he scores!  Make me a bicycle clown!”  (Kid yelling at Vince Vaughn in Wedding Crashers),

“He shoots, he scores!  Pay dat man his money.”  (John Malkovich as Teddy KGB in Rounders), and my personal favorite

“He shoots, he scores!  Who is your daddy, and what does he do?” (Arnold Schwarzenegger in Kindergarten Cop).

Not to be lost in the shuffle is the fact that the picture at the beginning of this glorious youtube compilation of some of his best calls makes him look like a confused gym teacher with sex offender facial hair. . . or a former hockey player.  But it only adds to his aura when that flashes on the screen before he launches into his goal calls of glory.

As Randy Moller is surely a reader of John Stamos Fever, I’d like to suggest the following gems for him:

“He shoots, he scores!  I invented the paino key necktie.  I invented it!” (Will Ferrell as Mugatu in Zoolander)

“He shoots, he scores!  You play ball like a girl!” (The Great Hambino in The Sandlot)

“He shoots, he scores!  Get busy living, or get busy dying!” (Morgan Freeman as Red in Shawshank Redemption)

“He shoots, he scores!  I’m going to murderball you!” (Jonah Hill in Knocked Up)

“He shoots, he scores!  SWEEP THE LEG” (Cobra Kai dude in Karate Kid)

“He shoots, he scores!  Sloth love Chunk!  (Sloth in The Goonies)

“He shoots, he scores!  You’re out of your element Donnie!”  (John Goodman as Walter in The Big Lebowski)

“He shoots, he scores!  Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!”  (Vince Vaughn as Wes Mantooth in Anchorman)

“He shoots, he scores!   I caught you a delicious bass!”  (Jon Heder in Napoleon Dynamite)

“He shoots, he scores!   Throw another shrimp on the barbie!”  (Jim Carrey as Lloyd in Dumb and Dumber)

“He shoots, he scores! Rocky loves Emily.  Rocky loves Emily!”  (Colt and Tum Tum in 3 Ninjas)

“He shoots, he scores!  This is your wake up call, Bohdi!  I am an F, B, I, AGENT!” (Keanu Reeves as Johnny Utah in Point Break)

There are, of course, thousands of these.  I’d go on but I’d love to hear some of your favorites, oh loyal readers.

And I need to keep my next pick up line a secret.

  1. HAHAHA… The best real ones were “He shoots he scores! MAAA!! THE MEAT LOAF! WE WANT IT!” and “He shoots he scores! I draw ding-dongs on people!”

    I’d love to hear: “He shoots he scores! Why Mrs. Robinson are you trying to seduce me?!”

  2. Seanathan–I like where this is headed, here are some humble suggestions:

    He shoots, he scores! Nobody drink the beer! The beer has gone bad! (Can’t Hardly Wait).

    He shoots, he scores! The only thing that gives orders is BALLS! (Scarface).

    He shoots, he scores! There’s a new sheriff in town, and his name is Reggie Hammond! (48 Hrs.)

    And this one isn’t from a movie, but I think it’ll play:

    He shoots, he scores! Get outta my dreams and get into my car! (Billy Ocean)

  3. hate to disagree with you seansie but, as a girl, i think using a movie line to pick up a girl would be more in the range of moderately to highly successful. at least for the right girl so don’t sell yourself short.

  4. He shoots, he scores! Lloyd Dobbler…alright! (Say Anything)

    He shoots, he scores! You stay alive! I will find you! (Last of the Mohicans)

  5. He shoots, he scores! You ate a whole wheel of cheese?
    He shoots, he scores! PRES-STONE!
    He shoots, he scores! Your a hooker

  6. You’re*

  7. He shoots, he scores! Usually you pay double for that kind of action, Cotton
    He shoots, he scores! “L” for love! Good Times
    He shoots, he scores! Joanie loves Chachi!

  8. you guys HAVE to check this out..pure comedic gold

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