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Archive for June, 2009|Monthly archive page

Pink Lips drops nicknames, Stewie Griffin drops knowledge

In The Sporting Life on June 15, 2009 at 10:36 pm

Flipping through the channels, I landed on ESPN just in time to see Prince Fielder crush a grand slam against the Indians to put the Brewers up 13-12 in the top of the 8th inning.  Hitting a grand slam is awesome (vs. Rotary in Little League, 1993.  No big deal), but hitting a grand slam in the bottom of the 9th would be the best thing ever.  The only thing that could even come close is a. . . pop up to the second baseman?

If you have poor social skills and pink lips, you take game winning hits anyway you can get them.   If your favorite team is playing the Yankees, you only have to be worried about A-Rod if your team is up or down by 7 runs.  As such, it was no surprise when, down by 1 with two runners on base, A-Rod popped up what should have been the final out of the game.  The surprise came when a former Gold Glove second baseman, Luis Castillo, dropped the ball, allowing both the tying and winning runs to cross the plate (credit where credit is due, Mark Teixeira was complete money running out a routine pop up that 9,999 times out of 10,000 would end the game and then scoring from first base).

In classic fashion, A-Rod got interviewed in front of the dugout, with the crowd still screaming, as if he did something besides blow it in a clutch situation.  And in even more classic fashion, A-Rod proceeded to pepper his comments with the nicknames of his teammates, pretty much screaming, “Hey everyone- I know these guys!  We’re all friends!  I am normal in the clubhouse.  Nope, not a freak at all!”

In one sweet swoop of the tongue, he let drop the following nicknames in a single sentence: Jeet, Teix, Mo (Mariano Rivera) and Joe (his manager).  Listening to an A-Rod interview is kind of like overhearing a 7th grader trying to fit in (assuming that the 7th grader cost a quarter of a billion dollars, took steroids and took down Madonna).

Oh Jeet?! Get Mo and Teix and come over here!

Jeet?! Get Mo and Teix and come hang out in this room that awkwardly has both mattresses and tires on the floor!

….. Wow, I wasn’t even planning on writing about A-Rod, but that grand slam somehow aroused the memory of watching Pink Lips be a faux hero last week, and when he actually wins it really grinds my gears.  And who, might you ask, grinds Peter Griffin’s gears?  Lindsay Lohan, but I’ll get to that in a minute.

Who really grinds Peter Griffin’s gears are two JSF all-stars, MaineCoast12 and Uncle Mike, who amazingly, despite their seemingly encyclopedic knowledge of all that is radical and awesome, both want a Family Guy movie to be created.  Which would be a great thought. . . if it were 2005.

Take a minute, catch your breath, and then immediately go rent Family Guy Presents Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story, which came out in 2006.  Granted, it may have gone straight to DVD, but it still counts as a movie.  And a hilarious one at that.  Peter hosts a segment on the news that is just him ranting about what “grinds his gears.”  Sample fare:

“You know what really grinds my gears? This Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay Lohan with all those little outfits, jumping around there on stage, half-naked with your little outfits. Ya know? You’re a… You’re out there jumping around and I’m just sitting here with my beer. So, what am I supposed to do? What you want? You know, are we gonna go out? Is that what you’re trying to – why why are you leaping around there, throwing those things all up in my, over there in my face? What do you want, Lindsay? Tell me what you want? Well, I’ll tell you what you want, you want nothing. You want nothing. All right? Because we all know that no woman anywhere wants to have sex with anyone, and to titillate us with any thoughts otherwise is – is just bogus.”

Did I mention that this was 2005?  Just insert the name Megan Fox where Lindsay Lohan appears above and the rant will be far more relevant in the year 2009.

You rogue!

You rogue!

I’ll let you all check it out for yourselves, but it is a classic.  Where else can you see Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa interview Mayor Adam West?  Where else can you see Stewie in the future?  Where else can you see Wilfred Brimley talk about hitting his wife? Where else can you see a Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man Emporium?

Nowhere.

You’re telling me this wouldn’t be a hit?

In Uncle Jesse's Favorites on June 7, 2009 at 11:03 pm

Random, awesome fact of the day:  John Stamos is the spokesman for a charity called Project Cuddle.  This was brought to my attention when I was sent the following link to an article that describes The Greek God’s hopes to create a Full House movie that would take place during the “first few years” of the series (aka the last few years of the 80s).

For those of you who choose not to click on the link, Johnny Amazing has dreams of a feature film that would star not him, Bob Saget and Dave Coulier, but instead three current stars (this is NOT to say Stamos is not a current star.  He is.  Probably the biggest star in the world.  Except Susan Boyle.)  He has some solid ideas about who should play the three men of the Tanner household.

Uncle Jesse

Wake Up, San Francisco!

The only person cooler than John Stamos?

He’s been a stoner freak in one of the best shows of all time (the brilliant Freaks and Geeks), James Dean, a friend/enemy of Spiderman, a drug dealer, and he’s even made out with Sean Penn (as Harvey Milk), something Storelli couldn’t make happen last month.  It only makes sense that the next logical step for James Franco would be to play the most epic character ever created, Jesse Katsopolis.

Danny Tanner

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh...... Kelly Clarkson!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh...... Kelly Clarkson!

He’s played an idiotic boss (Michael Scott), an asshole news anchor (Bruce Almighty), A 40 year old virgin, a mentally challenged weather reporter (Anchorman) and was a Daily Show correspondent.  In all of Hollywood, there is perhaps no better person to play Danny Tanner than Steve  Carrell.  Just imagine the awkwardness with which Carrell would tackle DJ Tanner bringing home boys.

Joey Gladstone

Michelle Tanner will have a lot more street cred at school

Michelle Tanner will have a lot more street cred at school

Let’s be serious.  I would go see this movie simply for the chance to see Tracy Morgan’s take on the Gladstone staple “Cut. It. Out!”

There you have it: the three male leads for the Full House movie, as imagined by John Stamos.   In the next issue of irrationally awesome sitcom to movie remakes, we will cover who will play Carl Winslow and Steve Urkel in the Family Matters movie.