You can't sweat out . . .

Archive for October, 2009|Monthly archive page

An Open Apology to the one, the only, the J-Bro

In Reader Response on October 14, 2009 at 11:52 pm

J-Bro, I believe we got off on the wrong foot.  You commented on the post “Miss Maine Susie Stauble does not understand security,” and echoed the comments of another reader, who posts under the name “Uncle Mike” (who may or may not be my uncle, named Mike).  You both commented on what a lovely young lady Miss Susie Stauble is.

And I have no doubt she is.  First, people from Maine are fucking RADICAL.  Pardon my use of the f-bomb, but in this instance, it is warranted.  Mainers are that sweet.  J-Bro, a fellow New York City transplant Mainer, knows it more than others.

The post on Susie is in no way to denigrate her.  Sure, she could have put her crown in a somewhat more secure location.  But this blog drips with sarcasm, and was more a parody on the ridiculousness of the USA Today state by state notes and how they are basically, dumb as hell.

I’m sure Susie is a talented, amazing girl.  And having been elected Miss Maine, she is obviously talented, and since she won a beauty pageant, attractive.

Which, without a doubt, played into how J-Bro was exposed to The Fever.  As The Illustrious Senior Beads pointed out, JSF is the first site that is listed after googling “Susie Stauble.”  Were you participating in a little google stalkery, J-Broham?


Now we live in Transylvanamericania

In What? This isn't a documentary? on October 13, 2009 at 10:42 pm

Ok, so the vampire fad has finally gotten regoddamndiculous.  True Blood.  Fine, that’s a badass show.  The Twilight series?  I even read the first book because every girl I know was obsessed with it (and yes, these are women in their twenties and thirties).  It was decent.  Then came show after show.  Book after book, movie after movie.  But we have finally reached the point where vampires have hopefully completely jumped the shark.

John C. Reilly as a vampire?  Come on now.  This movie, The Vampire’s Assistant, looks about as much fun to watch as fighting a polar bear naked in the Artctic.  How can Reilly go from being a founding member of Prestige Worldwide to this crap?  It’s almost unfathomable.

The only plus side is that maybe it’s a sign that we won’t have to deal with vampires for much longer.  Oh right, until the next 3 Twilight movies come out.

Yup, we’re all screwed.

Hey ladies, fantasize about THIS

Hey ladies, fantasize about THIS

Miss Maine Susie Stauble does not understand security

In Come on! on October 2, 2009 at 3:08 pm

While I am currently in Chicago and reside full-time in Brooklyn, my heart will always be in Maine.  So, on the rare occasion that I purchase USA Today, in the “Across the USA: News from Every State” section, my eyes inevitably scan to Maine first.  There is always the chance that the blurb will be about a lobsterman shooting someone who tampered with his traps or a woman who decapitated her husband’s head with a chainsaw and then buried his dismembered body in their backyard (true story from several years ago, a few towns over from where I grew up).

In yesterday’s edition of the paper, the caption perhaps took the cake.  No, no one lost their head, but someone did lose a trophy that rested on hers.  To quote the Maine entry in news around the country:

“Portland- Miss Maine Susie Stauble said her crown was stolen from her car last week.  Stauble, crowned in June, said she keeps the crown in a brown box on the back seat.  She said replacing the crown will be expensive and hopes it’s returned to her before January, when she’ll represent Maine in the Miss America pageant.”

Wow.  Someone should have told Susie that the back seat of a car is not the safest storage space.  In your barn or outhouse is far more safe.  Too harsh?  I’m allowed to.  Maine born and raised!