You can't sweat out . . .

Interview of the Century with Essence Magazine aka “If the sex is not on point, we will not go to the next level. Sorry”

In People are so weird on December 6, 2009 at 1:09 pm

I had never read, or for that matter seen, Essence magazine before last week.  Which was the week during which I turned the corner into the kitchen area of my office and ran into the magazine rack.  The December issue of Essence stared back at me, and I could see the reflection of me in it’s glossy cover.   A reflection if, in another life, I was Black (that is how they refer to  African-Americans in Essence. And I am a White person, so it is kosher) comedian Steve Harvey, and his luxurious mustache. I brought the issue home, to not only write about Harvey’s stache for my other blog ‘Stachist, but also to get a read on how a Black woman can get the real facts about men, as the cover also promises an article about how to “Get the Love You Deserve: Real men on sex, cheating & what makes them commit.”  Essence‘s spine claims to be the place “Where Black Women Come First.”

If you really want all the details, the issue is on newsstand’s now.  The following is just a sample of what you will be getting:

Background: “Relationships editor Demetricia L. Lucas asked single Black men the questions you’ve always wanted to ask- “How do I get from wifey to wife? What do men want in bed?” – and she gets a straight response.  Fasten your seat belts.”

JSF:  Do it sisters, trust me.

Opening of Lucas’s article: “When assigned the task of talking talking to five single alpha-male Black men (yes, ladies, you read that right) for a day’s work, I leaped, literally, at the opportunity.  I mean, really, what woman wouldn’t?  What I got from these fine and forthright brothers was beyond my expectations.”

JSF: Yes ladies, you read that right.   What’s that?  You want responses from five guys that sound a lot like they are straight out of the movie The Wood, which is a coming of age Black story about growing up. Yes?  Well, do you want to know what you should know about sex?  Because Essence is trying to help you.  The sixth question in the interview is posted below.  Dap Countdown: 30 seconds.

Essence: How important is good sex?

Rich: I’m say on a scale of one to ten, good sex is about a 15.  Men who front and say it’s not important are lying.

Wes: If the sex game is not on point, we will not go to the next level.  Sorry

Rich: At 30 you should know how to please somebody whether you’re a man or a woman.

Brian: Yeah, you’re playing varsity now.  This ain’t JV.

Norman: Good sex is the be-all and end-all, but D, please tell women that every man they meet is not trying to get in your pants.  It’s just not that serious.  I meet women every day who I can have casual sex with.  It’s not hard.  If I’m spending time with a woman, I’m interested in her, not just in sex.  [There is a unanimous cosign for this statement, and, of course, dap is exchanged.]

Rich: Thank you!  Anytime I’ve ever invited a woman to my house, she thinks I’m trying to get some.  Sometimes I just want to hang out and be financially smart about it.

Brian: [Laughs] Yes!  But you don’t want to spend $25 on groceries for a great dinner instead of $70- minimum- to take her out.

Joel: But if the Barry White just happens to come on. . . [Unanimous laughter]

JSF: Dear readers, please find a loved one, and exchange dap.  If you don’t know what dap is, you should.  And then exchange it.  If you’re White like me, tune into Pardon the Interuption on weeknights at 5:30 on ESPN to see a bald White jewish guy and a bald Black guy talk about sports and have the White one refer to daps.  Which, to my knowledge, are first bumps.  But for an expert opion, please, for my sake, for your sake, pick up the December issue of Essence.

Or don’t.

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  1. Is the Wes from the article the Wes from our job?

  2. Sean

    I have not posted in a while, but when you give me gold like this I have to respond. Being an American like yourself, I have come across very few women’s magazines but clearly you were right to open this one up. First, if Steve Harvey is on the cover, you’re either going for comedic affect (just look at his friggin’ face. It’s absurd) or you have no idea how to sell anything. In this case, I’m going with the latter. Secondly, the interview has some absolute gems in it. Here’s what we know from their sound bites:

    Rich and Brian are cheap. And Rich is also a liar. No straight, sane man has every invited any woman to his house unless he wanted to sleep with her. This is a fact. It’s in the Elias Sports Bureau. Look it up.

    Norman isn’t nearly as cool as he thinks he is. He probably played lacrosse in college.

    Wes is awesome. Joel is not. Women under 30 have no idea who Barry White is.

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