John Stamos Fever (JSF) was first identified in 1988, during the second season of Full House, when, as a five year old boy, I first saw an episode and was mesmerized by the smooth persona, hard rocking ways and family man values of this Greek God called Uncle Jesse. As his aura overtook my young mind and body, my hands instantly went to my sick 80s mullet, as I tried in vain to replicate the look that scored Jesse a wife as hot as Aunt Becky.
While I would later be temporarily convinced that new pillars of TV cool had replaced John Stamos (read Mark Paul Gosselaar as Zack Morris and later, very briefly and for purely the fact that he had both an alternate spelling of my first name, and the exact haircut I tried to emulate before each day of 7th grade, Rider Strong as Shawn Hunter), neither of these characters have the staying power slash ability to induce hysteria of John Stamos. My best friend once saw a girl he described as “a gorgeous blonde in high heels” literally run after John Stamos on 45th Street in Manhattan. That is a fever you can’t sweat out.
While there is no known cure for John Stamos Fever, its side effects include hyper awareness, loss of inhibition, sweaty palms, fainting, tender nipples and in rare cases, erections lasting longer than four hours (which, of course, require immediate medical attention).