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Archive for the ‘Just absolutely dominating people’ Category

LeFevour has. . . THE FEVER

In Just absolutely dominating people, The Sporting Life on January 7, 2010 at 12:06 am

Dan LeFevour not only has The Fever, he literally is (in French maybe) The Fever.  And he gives it to me.  The quarterback for the Central Michigan Chippewas led his team to a thrilling two overtime victory in the GMAC Bowl over some other unranked team tonight. 

I turned to the game just in time to see the Chippewas return a kickoff for a touchdown, only to have that followed on the next possession by a silky smooth thirty yard laser from The Fever.

Ladies (as if there are girls who read this blog), I want you to glance into those eyes and try to tell me that you wouldn’t like to catch The Fever from LeFevour.

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Party of the Decade: You’re Invited Even if You Didn’t Make the Video

In Just absolutely dominating people on December 12, 2009 at 3:02 pm

Yes, I realize that it is not hard to be the party of the decade when the decade is only a few hours old, but still, the overwhelming odds are that a throw down with the following legends on the invite list is going to be pretty life altering:

– Flava Flav

– The Balloon Boy

– The Ninja Turtles

– Mr. T

– Zack Morris

– The Kool Aid Man

– A freaking Tyrannosaurus Rex

– John Stamos  (Obviously)

– You

Here is your invitation, courtesy of Mosher, myself, apple products, William Wallace, magic markers and the song “Heavy Lifting” by Ambulance LTD.

Watching six years olds get dominated by the man, the myth the legend: Nyrel Sevillayrel

In Crazy Athletic Feats, Just absolutely dominating people on November 30, 2009 at 11:20 pm

Somewhere in this land, six year olds are allowed to play full contact, cutthroat football.  To the sheer horror of two kids who came into contact with the Nyrel Sevilla aka “the hardest hitting six year old in the game,” and will likely no longer play football.  At least not the quarterback who gets sacked while he stands there begging someone to take a hand-off, fumbles, and can be heard crying while his legs move in the universal bike peddling-while-you’re-on-your-back sign of misery.

The running back who, for some reason, decides to turn towards Nyrel instead of going out of bounds at least looks like he may live to run again, despite being used used as the ball in bowling for kids on the sideline.

Watching this is kind of like watching a bunch of six year olds in the shallow end of a swimming pool when all of a sudden a great white shark comes and eats one of them.  In this case, seeing a kid get eaten by a shark will be one of the funniest things you will see all week.

Goodbye Bodhi, may the waves always be as epic as you

In Just absolutely dominating people on September 15, 2009 at 11:45 pm

Patrick Swayze died today at the age of 57, and for an hour or so after reading this news online, I continued to work without much change in my overall mood.

Then my phone vibrated with a text from the Sarge, and it was all put in perspective.   “It just hit me now,” he wrote, “Bodhi is gone.”  For the next few minutes, I stared blankly into the wall next to me.  Sure, part of me knew that Bodhi died at the end of Point Break, when Johnny Utah released him to meet his maker at the hands of a superwave.  But everytime I saw Patrick Swayze, he was Bodhi to me.

Sure, millions of grown-up girls are mourning the loss of the star of Dirty Dancing, and plenty of others the loss of Sam Wheat from Ghost. But for guys and girls whose only dream has been to keep it rad and keep it real, today is a day of mourning for the great Bodhi.

Swayze was a dancer, he was a singer, he was an outsider (shout out to S.E Hinton).  He was a Chippendale with a great body, though his dance moves were lacking when compared to the ultimate Chippendale, Chris Farley.

But most of all, he was a surfer.  He was the Bodhisattva, a bank robbing surfer who lived by his own code of ethics, shunning just getting radical and instead embracing the spiritual side of surfing.

"If you want the ultimate, you've got to be willing to pay the ultimate price. It's not tragic to die doing what you love. " - Bodhi

"If you want the ultimate, you've got to be willing to pay the ultimate price. It's not tragic to die doing what you love. " - Bodhi

He once gave an autograph in sign language. . .

In Just absolutely dominating people on September 1, 2009 at 10:37 pm

As Cathy from Sargent House (check out their list of fantastic artists- from Good Old War to Maps & Atlases to RX Bandits) pointed out, Cast Spells’ EP has come out.  And I have just ordered it.  On actual cd- none of this digital download stuff.  I’ll drop an extra $4 on shipping and handling to check out the cd art in this rare instance.  Thanks to Cathy for the heads up and next time a Sargent House show comes to NYC, go check it out and I’ll buy you a beer.

And when I buy said beer, I may be at the bar, get intrigued and make a choice that up until 6 months ago would have never even been considered.  It’s alright to admit it if you’ve done it- I have as well.  Ever since that grizzled old man appeared on your television, with a narrator boasting of all the amazing things the man has done in his life, you’ve found yourself standing at a bar saying, oh, what the hell, and you’ve ordered a Dos Equis.

I know I’m not the only one because I have seen other people do it as well.  It’s not a bad beer, this Dos Equis, but their spokesman is so memorable that sometimes those two smooth Spanish words slide off your tongue as a reflex.

While I have known about Dos Equis since I was a 21 year old intern, researching middle level Mexican beer competitors for the company who created ads for Tecate (but apparently haven’t thought up anything nearly as good as the World’s Most Interesting Man).

His beard alone has experienced more than a lesser man’s entire body.

His beard alone has experienced more than a lesser man’s entire body.

Rich, successful, talented people drink Dos Equis!  Case in point, Michael Bolton.

jjj

Why should he change his name?

“Christopher Mosher is the best email writer in the history of western civilization” – Bill Walton

In Just absolutely dominating people on August 25, 2009 at 9:51 pm

For all the lol’s that get thrown around like little hot potatoes, it is very rare indeed that I actually laugh at loud at anything I read.  Ok, maybe a couple times a day at wwtdd, but what are you going to do?  That guy’s hilarious.  In fact, I kind of modeled the captions of my facebook album of a hiking trip this summer in his style.  But didn’t realize it until after writing it and subsequently felt kind of cheap.  But also funny.

But enough about me- some people in my life know how to write to cause an lol.  Every so often, when an epic, unfortunate situation warrants it, Mosher will unleash a stream of thought in the form of an email, bursting with description, to his roommates.  Last winter it was the tale of his infamous mouse execution escapades.  Today Jack-o-Matic and I were lucky enough to receive one today about a far less violent but perhaps less sanitary, the shit in our couch:

today, i cleaned out the couch.  no, not just underneath the cushions, as i have done many times before, but in the recessed nether-regions, where few have dared tread before.  you know what im talking about–those deep cavities that are notorious for swallowing pocket change and remote controllers.  my main intention was to find quarters to do my laundry.  but when it came down to it, it was boredom, a desire for cleanliness, and a morbid sense of curiosity that helped me peresevere. i put a plastic bag over my hand and went to town.  and now, for the first time ever, i bring you…. SHIT THAT WAS IN OUR COUCH.

obviously, dust.  not just regular dust that you find on the mantle. i’m talking dust ontop of dust, tangled up in more dust, caked in a layer of dust.  hairs tangled up in dust.  dust with pizza crumbs mixed in.  dust from the 1990s.  plain dust.  dark dust.  light dust.  dust from different states.  and the hair.  blonde, brunette, red, black, and gray.  long hair, black people’s hair, hair from buzzcuts, doll hair and animal hair.  food crumbs, chunks of food that i’ve never seen before, pieces of gum, and gummy bears.  then it started to get weird.  i found a subscription flyer for playboy, two guitar picks, a triple a battery, a receipt from keyfood for $69.33, approximately $8.46 in assorted change, 12 golf pencils, six bottle caps, a red pen, three black pens, two blue pens, a mint lifesaver in plastic wrapping, the corner of what seems to be a package of fruit snacks (in the shapes of hammerhead sharks and treasure chests), a single women’s earring with three salmon colored rocks, the nub of a red crayon, a nail (the wall kind, not the finger kind), a hair clip, lots of feathers and sand, a used band-aid, a ripped piece of page 100 (of what seems to be some type of workbook), and a single leaf.”

– Chris Mosher, an American Poet.  1983-

Update: The Davey and Sarah Chronicles

In Just absolutely dominating people on May 10, 2009 at 12:03 pm

I apologize for the vagueness of the previous post, but I was so blown away by the exchange that I wanted to post it immediately for the masses.

Davey is the friend of one Sean Corrigan, who has commented on the Fever before.  Sarah is Davey’s ex girlfriend, who, as bound by Dave’s rules, can never, ever claim that Santa Claus lives at the North Pole.  Even though he does.

The Davey and Sarah Chronicles

In Just absolutely dominating people on May 8, 2009 at 4:55 pm

Synopsis:

Davey and Sarah broke up 3 years ago.  Sarah can’t let go.  Davey shoots and scores.  Read on:

Apr 23, 2009

Dear Davey:
I have had a difficult time, over the past few years, achieving
Closure of our relationship. It is time for me to seek this. I have
gone through the appropriate stages of anger, remorse, sadness.

It is now time for me to close this chapter of my life. I
Am trying to recapture my life and gain a sense of identity back. In
my professional life I have done this, but my personal life
struggles. For so long I/We were “Sarah and Davey”, that it is hard to gain my own identity back. I am not worried about
my career; I will soon succeed even my wildest dreams. I am
just stunted by my personal life. I am ready to release you from my life. I also on a weekly basis encounter people who want to tell me about you or have a discussion about you. I do not want to deal with this anymore.
I do have a proposal on how to handle this.

I am ready to no longer be forced to deal with your presence.
As to how to deal with it, I propose the following:

1. I’ve heard you have an apartment on the West side. You need
to move out of the West side of Indianapolis, this has always been my side of town, I own a house here, and do not rent
like you. I grew up here, and always want to live here. I would prefer if
you were to leave Indianapolis all together, but I know this is more
than I can ask. I do not want to risk running into you at any store.

2. We should officially divide our friends. Particularly Jim,
Jillian, Amy, and Ed. You should write them, thanking them for
the opportunity to be their friend and explain why you can no
longer be in contact with them. I can provide you with
addresses, if you need.

3. I will stay out of Republican politics. I promise not to get
involved with any Republican politics, unless my father runs
for judge, and than I reserve the right to work on his campaign.

4. I would like you to not have anything to do with all things
Cathedral. I feel I should have ownership of the school since
my mother works there and my brother and sisters went there. You are more tied to Wabash. This should be where you dedicate your alumni status. I

will be involved in Cathedral. When the time of reunions comes
up, I am willing to say that you can have the reunions ending
in “0” years and I will take the”5″ years. So you can have 10 years
and I will take 25 years.

5. I will avoid Wabash contacts. The few guys from the house I
still speak to on a rare basis, I will not. I will also discourage any male offspring I have from attending Wabash.

I know some of these things seem a bit harsh, but I feel they
are for the best. I do not ever really wish to see you again. I know that this will of course happen beyond my control, but I think
we should do our best to avoid what we can.

It is my sincere hope that you understand, and do take the time
to respond. This is my last request of you.

With fondness,

Sarah

 

Response…

Dear Sarah,

Thanks for your letter. We broke up 3 years ago. Knowing that
and taking into consideration you believe me to be a cold,
career focused,ego-maniac, what on earth makes you think I would take the time to think about you or agree to your proposal? But since I
clearly have taken the time to respond, please take a moment to
review some comments and counterproposals I have crafted.

1. First, I will have to resist the burning urge to move RIGHT
NEXT DOOR TO YOU. After that deep desire subsides, I will
vacate the Westside and return to my roots: The Snooty
Northside, as you used to call it. However, since I was born on the Northside and I have Northside in my veins you must abdicate all ties to the North. This includes: Living on the Northside, living on the Northeastside, walking down North Street, being a fan of the Dallas Stars (formerly the Minnesota North Stars), wearing North Face apparel or
telling your children that Santa lives at the North Pole.

1 (B). I was born in Indianapolis before you were so I should really
get to determine who stays and who goes. In my benevolence I will let you exist here only within the St. Michael’s Parish boundary (MLK Dr. to
High School Rd. and 56th Street to 10th St.) We will call this the SarahZone.

This should be acceptable for you as your family lives across the street
and there is a gas station, grocery, convenience store, your place
of employment and a fire station. Exceptions can be made with
my expressed written consent. You will be required to display a large tag in your windshield giving you permission to travel beyond the SarahZone.

2. I haven’t talked to your friends since we broke up. I think
they got the message. However since we apparently are still in fourth
grade, please have your friends meet me by the playground at
recess so that I can tell them they have big fat heads and they aren’t my
friends anymore.

Do you agree? _______Yes ________No________Maybe

2 (B). One of the few times you let us do something fun, we
visited some of my family friends on Geist. It was about eight
years ago. We enjoyed their boat and home for several hours during a
pre-500 party. Please jot them a note saying you are going to forget that
ever happened. Please also offer to reimburse them for the boat gas,
pool chlorine, air conditioning Freon, Dr. Pepper and anything
else you consumed while you were there. I don’t have their
address anymore, you can look it up.

3. Please let me know when your father runs for anything. I’m going to run against him.

3 (B). Thanks for staying out of Republican politics. Your
heavyweight presence in the party will be sorely missed. I am very involved in ice hockey. I play recreationally and coach a youth team in the
winter. I would prefer it if you could stop being involved in all things
related to ice and ice hockey . You can use those instant first aid
coldpaks to cool your drinks from now on. Also, my parents have been very involved with the Indianapolis 500 Festival for nearly 20 years. The month of May is really a big month for us. While I am not able to honor your request of moving out of Indianapolis, I would ask that you just leave town during May. With 250,000 fans going to the race and 35,000 runners in the Mini-Marathon, I don’t want to run the risk of bumping into you. I know your birthday is in May, but man, I just don’t care.

4. Christ, I don’t have the energy for this one.

5. If any of my friends from Wabash actually still talk to you,
they are fucking fired as friends.

5 (B). I’m not going to tell my kids anything about you. But speaking
of kids, it would be okaywith me if my son was a crack addict, just as long as he got your kids hooked on it and became their dealer.

In closing, I will never make decisions about my life or my
family based on whether I might run into you at the store. I am
now convinced that if we ever do bump into each other, you will spontaneouslycombust. I wish you the best of luck find a spouse. Seriously. It won’t be easy to find a person who is willing to spend the rest of his life raising children and making decisions based
on your crazy-ass proposal to an ex-boyfriend and your inability to act like a rational human being.

All my best,

Davey

A JSF Hit List: The Lonely Island and We Are Scientists

In Jesse, the Rippers, and their contemporaries, Just absolutely dominating people, Uncle Jesse's Favorites on April 5, 2009 at 11:24 pm

I had been a fan of The Lonely Island way before they made me jizz in my pants.  (Note: if you have never seen the video for “Jizz In My Pants,” that sentence is exceedingly awkward.  Almost as awkward as when I was hanging out with some high school friends around Christmas time and one of the girls said, “I just ate a grape,” to which I obviously asked without hesitation, “And jizzed in your pants?”  Silence ensued.  She had not seen the video.)

The Lonely Island, consisting of Andy Samberg, Avika Schaffer and Jorma Taccone, are behind, well, pretty much anything funny on SNL in recent memory that doesn’t involve Sarah Palin.  In addition to “Jizz In My Pants,” they are the masterminds behind the following gems (*warning* explicit language):

Lazy Sunday (It’s the chronic(what?)cles of Narnia)

Dick in a box (Still the best present I have received from Justin Timberlake.  Wait, what?)

I’m On a Boat (Next time I have the opportunity to be on a boat, I am going straight tux.  Good things happen when you wear a tux)

Macgruber (While it is almost blasphemy to make fun of Mcgyver, it’s also damn funny)

But none of these are the reasons I first heard of The Lonely Island.  No, that has to do with the brilliant directing by Schaffer in four music videos for one of my favorite bands, We Are Scientists. Sure, I love their music, but their ironic back and forth banter during live shows is what really does it for me.  You can click on the link above to hear the band’s music, or you can just take them at their word and imagine what their sound is:

According to their myspace page, the band sounds like:  The Chipmunk, the Grouse, the Peacock, the Tiger, the Condor, the Hawk, the Pegasus, the Turkey, the Cougar, the Hedgehog, the Penguin, the Turtle, the Coyote especially, the Heron, the Phoenix, the Unicorn, the Cow, the Hippopotamus, the Pigeon, the Vulture, the Crane, the Horse, the Porcupine, the Weasel, the Cricket, the Hummingbird, the Prairie Dog to a lesser extent, the Wolf, the Crocodile, the Hyena, the Quail, the Whale, the Crow, the Jaguar, the Rabbit, the Woodpecker, the Deer, the Kingfisher, the Zebra, the Dog, the Dolphin.

That’s right, the Coyote especially, and the Prairie Dog to a lesser extent.  But to summarize, they sound great.

Schaffer takes four of their songs and pairs the music with lasting images that are hilarious, beautiful, and, well, hipster-iffic:

1.  “The Great Escape“, off 2005’s With Love and Squalor.

Remember that kid who moved in next door to you in middle school and all of a sudden was over at your house all the time, at the bus stop with you every morning, and hanging around with all of your friends?  Or maybe you were that kid?  Either way, that’s what this video is like.

2.  “Nobody Move, Nobody Get Hurt,” from Love and Squalor.

Because being chased by an upright person dressed as a bear is almost as terrifying as getting chased by a real bear.  How big was the bear you ask?  This big.

3. ” It’s a Hit,” from Love and Squalor.

It was a hit.  Great song, great video.  And who said hipsters don’t like sports?  Or violence?  Or anything?

And my personal favorite, the ridiculously good song, and better video,

4.  “After Hours,”  off 2008’s Brain Thrust Mastery

Who hasn’t been a double date where one of the girls is less attractive than the other (and ages seven times as fast)?


In Dr. Yak’s office building, there will be no Braille on elevators. Unless, you know, that’s discriminatory

In Just absolutely dominating people on March 16, 2009 at 11:49 pm

Feeling the need to amuse the loyal readers of JSF on a Tuesday, I logged on around 10:30 p.m. Monday night, lacking inspiration.  Without intervention, I may have written some forced, half-assed diatribe about how ridiculous I find it how how there is Braille writing on places such as floor numbers in elevators and bathroom signs, or how badass Pete Maravich was, or wondering why there have been three Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movies, three Transformer movies and only one He-Man movie made.  Actually, I’ll probably write about the latter two at some point, so hold your breath.  As for the Braille, that’s pretty much all I’ve got.  On the whole I am just confused, and have no answer for why there is Braille in these places and not on,  oh, virtually anything else in day to day life.

Pictures of Braille on the internet.  The ultimate irony.

Pictures of Braille on the internet. The ultimate irony.

Then like a bolt of lightning, in the form of a comment on this very blog, my inspiration arrived.  My muse, if you will.  Like Quentin Tarantino’s muse (Uma Thurman), mine in this case has blonde hair, blue eyes, and striking bone structure.  Unlike Tarantino’s, however, mine can dunk.  And sing the words of Dispatch’s “The General,” Billy Joel’s “Piano Man,” and Cake’s “Let Me Go” with enthusiasm that makes this wedding DJ look comatose.  He is Mr. Yakavonis aka the Yak, aka the future Dr. Yak, or as I will refer to him, Yak, M.D.  With his 6’6” stature, intense Lithuanian (definitely not Russian) looks, and ability to scowl, he will make an intimidating doctor.  It’s great to want to help people through medicine, but I’m at least 64% sure that he is only doing it so he can live out the following scene  in the future:

It is a warm summer day.  Yak, M.D, his son Arturus (7), and his son‘s best friend, Jake, have been playing in the park.  And by playing, I mean Yak, M.D. has been running the boys through conditioning drills because they looked slow rounding the bases in their recent coaches-pitch baseball league.  Yak, M.D. has on a navy blue and white striped Adidas sweatsuedo, while he has the boys decked out in full Providence College Friars basketball camp regalia.  Arturus and Jake both have their hands on their knees, and it appears the training has broken poor Jake’s spirit.

Yak, M.D: (Lowering his sunglasses) “Come on guys, whaddya have, cement in your shoes?”

Arturus: (Panting) “Dad, can we play Legos instead?  We’re tired!”

Jake: “Yeah Mr. Yak, can we please stop running?”

Yak, M.D: (sounding like Royal Tenenbaum) “Jake, I didn’t go to 7 years of school to be called Mr.  Get on the line boys!”

It will be inspirational.

But I digress.  The good doctor inspired me to write when he commented on a previous post with some quality advice for anyone who logs onto this site in search of cures for fever.  It’s simply to take aspirin.  Also, not reading the blog would probably be advisable, as plebian fever and John Stamos Fever don’t mix well.  Nor do Yak, M.D. and weakness.