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Archive for the ‘The Sporting Life’ Category

BYU lineman celebrates win; can’t have sex with girlfriend

In The Sporting Life on September 27, 2011 at 5:40 pm

In a shocking turn of events, just before the NCAA tournament last year, Brandon Davies, a starter on the BYU hoops team, was suspended for violating the school’s honor code, which states that students are not allowed to take part in (even) consensual sex.

It seems that #91 here will have to satisfy all his carnal needs on a huge buffet at the Sizzler.


LeFevour has. . . THE FEVER

In Just absolutely dominating people, The Sporting Life on January 7, 2010 at 12:06 am

Dan LeFevour not only has The Fever, he literally is (in French maybe) The Fever.  And he gives it to me.  The quarterback for the Central Michigan Chippewas led his team to a thrilling two overtime victory in the GMAC Bowl over some other unranked team tonight. 

I turned to the game just in time to see the Chippewas return a kickoff for a touchdown, only to have that followed on the next possession by a silky smooth thirty yard laser from The Fever.

Ladies (as if there are girls who read this blog), I want you to glance into those eyes and try to tell me that you wouldn’t like to catch The Fever from LeFevour.

The Greatest Fan Stache EVER

In The Sporting Life on December 15, 2009 at 8:42 pm

Yes, I have been cheating on JSF and writing for another blog (

Yes, I have been neglecting all (14?) of you loyal readers who have the Fever.

Yes, I posted the following picture on Stachist earlier tonight:

It's like a roller coaster of awesomeness!

But let’s be serious here.  This guy, the San Fran mustache super fan, obviously has the Fever like few others do.  He’s even from the same town as Uncle Jesse.  I paused my television long enough to take this picture, but not before staring at this image for ten minutes and starting to drool.

I don’t even know what you call this style of mustache, but there is only one description of it: legendary.

Someone in Philly is my hero!

In The Sporting Life on November 3, 2009 at 2:00 pm

Last night during Game 5 of the World Series, Fox cameras caught the sign of the decade, as written by a Phillies fan.  As you may recall on this blog months ago, I ripped into A-Rod for his pink lips and how he wasn’t good enough to put any of them on one of my favorite bottles of beer.

Well, a few things have changed since then.  A-Rod’s lips have been all over Kate Hudson.  Win for A-Rod.  But they have also given ridiculously annoying soundbites about his friends on the team like “Jete” and “Swish” and “Butt Buddy.”  Sure, that last one may have been made up, but it is a great nickname for Jorge Posada.  Probably most importantly, they have spouted empty words in the form of apologies for being outed as a steroid user.

And, with the World Series shifting into Novemeber and temperatures dropping, his pink lips have become purple lips.  The sign during the game last night documented this, simply written in black, “Purple Lipped Roid Freak.”  The Red Sox may not have made the world series, but I can rest assured knowing that A-Rod is feeling the proper amount of hatred in visiting ballparks.

Pink Lips drops nicknames, Stewie Griffin drops knowledge

In The Sporting Life on June 15, 2009 at 10:36 pm

Flipping through the channels, I landed on ESPN just in time to see Prince Fielder crush a grand slam against the Indians to put the Brewers up 13-12 in the top of the 8th inning.  Hitting a grand slam is awesome (vs. Rotary in Little League, 1993.  No big deal), but hitting a grand slam in the bottom of the 9th would be the best thing ever.  The only thing that could even come close is a. . . pop up to the second baseman?

If you have poor social skills and pink lips, you take game winning hits anyway you can get them.   If your favorite team is playing the Yankees, you only have to be worried about A-Rod if your team is up or down by 7 runs.  As such, it was no surprise when, down by 1 with two runners on base, A-Rod popped up what should have been the final out of the game.  The surprise came when a former Gold Glove second baseman, Luis Castillo, dropped the ball, allowing both the tying and winning runs to cross the plate (credit where credit is due, Mark Teixeira was complete money running out a routine pop up that 9,999 times out of 10,000 would end the game and then scoring from first base).

In classic fashion, A-Rod got interviewed in front of the dugout, with the crowd still screaming, as if he did something besides blow it in a clutch situation.  And in even more classic fashion, A-Rod proceeded to pepper his comments with the nicknames of his teammates, pretty much screaming, “Hey everyone- I know these guys!  We’re all friends!  I am normal in the clubhouse.  Nope, not a freak at all!”

In one sweet swoop of the tongue, he let drop the following nicknames in a single sentence: Jeet, Teix, Mo (Mariano Rivera) and Joe (his manager).  Listening to an A-Rod interview is kind of like overhearing a 7th grader trying to fit in (assuming that the 7th grader cost a quarter of a billion dollars, took steroids and took down Madonna).

Oh Jeet?! Get Mo and Teix and come over here!

Jeet?! Get Mo and Teix and come hang out in this room that awkwardly has both mattresses and tires on the floor!

….. Wow, I wasn’t even planning on writing about A-Rod, but that grand slam somehow aroused the memory of watching Pink Lips be a faux hero last week, and when he actually wins it really grinds my gears.  And who, might you ask, grinds Peter Griffin’s gears?  Lindsay Lohan, but I’ll get to that in a minute.

Who really grinds Peter Griffin’s gears are two JSF all-stars, MaineCoast12 and Uncle Mike, who amazingly, despite their seemingly encyclopedic knowledge of all that is radical and awesome, both want a Family Guy movie to be created.  Which would be a great thought. . . if it were 2005.

Take a minute, catch your breath, and then immediately go rent Family Guy Presents Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story, which came out in 2006.  Granted, it may have gone straight to DVD, but it still counts as a movie.  And a hilarious one at that.  Peter hosts a segment on the news that is just him ranting about what “grinds his gears.”  Sample fare:

“You know what really grinds my gears? This Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay Lohan with all those little outfits, jumping around there on stage, half-naked with your little outfits. Ya know? You’re a… You’re out there jumping around and I’m just sitting here with my beer. So, what am I supposed to do? What you want? You know, are we gonna go out? Is that what you’re trying to – why why are you leaping around there, throwing those things all up in my, over there in my face? What do you want, Lindsay? Tell me what you want? Well, I’ll tell you what you want, you want nothing. You want nothing. All right? Because we all know that no woman anywhere wants to have sex with anyone, and to titillate us with any thoughts otherwise is – is just bogus.”

Did I mention that this was 2005?  Just insert the name Megan Fox where Lindsay Lohan appears above and the rant will be far more relevant in the year 2009.

You rogue!

You rogue!

I’ll let you all check it out for yourselves, but it is a classic.  Where else can you see Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa interview Mayor Adam West?  Where else can you see Stewie in the future?  Where else can you see Wilfred Brimley talk about hitting his wife? Where else can you see a Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man Emporium?


For the good of all, Celtics and Bulls say no to regulation length games

In The Sporting Life on April 30, 2009 at 11:19 pm

There is only one word to describe the Celtics vs. Bulls series.  EPIC.  Or Legendary.  Or dominating.

We are headed to Game 7 after a 128-127 Chicago win in a ridiculous game that needed 3 overtimes to settle.

I’m toooooo excited to sleeeeep, but I must try.  If only to have dreams of Larry Legend coming out of the tunnel for Saturday’s Game 7.

Jacoby “The Jet” Ellsbury and the mad dash at Fenway

In The Sporting Life on April 26, 2009 at 11:15 pm

“They say The Jet’s lost a step or two… but I wouldn’t be surprised to see some fireworks here… The Jet’s got a suicide lead and… And there he goes! He’s stealing home! I don’t believe it!… He’s stealing home!…. He’s stealing home, and they don’t see him! The pitch!.. He’s hit the dirt! He’s safe! Safe!… Safe! Safe! Safe!… I don’t believe it! The Jet stole home! The Jet stole home!”

That prophetic Scotty Smalls call of Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez stealing home for the Dodgers in The Sandlot was not repeated tonight, but the play described was, when Jacoby Ellsbury stole home against Andy Pettite and the Yankees.  With a 2-1 lead with two outs in the bottom of the 5th inning and a J.D Drew, a lefty, at the plate, Pettite was pitching with a full windup.  An audible roar went up from the crowd, which usually means a streaker is on the field, but this time it was for Ellsbury streaking for the plate, ultimately diving in ahead of catcher Jorge Posada’s tag.

Also, because the entire process took about three seconds and this was real life and not a movie, announcer Jon Miller really didn’t have a shot to top Smalls’s call (“You’re killin’ me Smalls!).  But it still felt like The Jet was back, especially because Ellsbury is pretty much a dead ringer for Rodriguez.

Classic life imitating art

Classic life imitating art

Having Ellsbury steal home on Sunday was up there with Kevin Youkilis hitting a walk-off homerun in the bottom of the 11th on Friday night.  The steal helped propel the Sox to the win that clinched the 3 game sweep of the Yankees and of the 9 game home stand.

As for the Yankees getting swept, that’s what happens when “you play ball like a girl!”

Human Easter eggs and the art of being a MASTER

In The Sporting Life on April 12, 2009 at 7:09 pm

Many championships have been decided in the last 12 hours.  Last night the Illustrious Mr. Beads and I frantically switched between the NCAA hockey championship, which BU won over Miami (OH) in overtime, and the match-up of storied women’s bowling programs from Nebraska and Central Missouri as they battled for their own title.  In matching uniforms and black shorts and red polos.  With coaches in ties and short sleeved dress shirts.

The format in which they compete is different than your everyday bowling, however, which frustrated Beads to no end.   Instead of having two players face off against one another, different players alternate turns, making it necessary to have a solid “closer.”  In the case of Nebraska, this was an angry Goth.  While at first I assumed her look of distaste was actually a mask of competition, but there is always the chance that she was upset about the next day, when millions of Americans would dress up in their colorful Easter best.

Or in the case of the crowd at Augusta National, the site of the Master’s, dress up as actual Easter eggs.  The type with the white shell, of course.

Congrats to Angelo Cabrera, who won the tournament in a double playoff.  He’s the one in yellow below, in front of the sea of pastel:

2 second challenge: Circle the non Anglo Saxons watching Cabrera win.  Set go!

2 second challenge: Circle the non Anglo Saxons watching Cabrera win. Set go!

March MADNESS: VCU men lose game, VCU women lose dignity on national TV

In People are so weird, The Sporting Life on March 20, 2009 at 1:13 am

Today marked the first of the four consecutive days that mark, for my money, the best of the year.  From Thursday through Sunday, 48 high quality, intense, extremely interesting basketball games are played.  It is perfectly acceptable to have streaming video of the games open on your computer at work, and you’re looked at as having a problem if you don’t gamble (seriously, who wouldn’t want to be in at least one pool?).  A note about the streaming video: kudos to all around for their fantastic work.  Thanks also for eliminating the wait time that was necessary to endure last year, and again giving us the option to watch any game in play.  You rule.

So far, like most people (chalk , for the most part, won out today.  For you non-fans, that means the higher seeds won their match-ups), I did well in my bracket.  I finished the day with 13/16 picks correct- my crowning achievement was 12 seed Western Kentucky defeating 5 seed Illinois in the South bracket.  You always have to pick at least one of the four 12 seeds to  win in the first round (I also have Wisconsin winning tomorrow), and this year I decided to step it up and pick 13 seed North Dakota St. to defeat 4 seed and perennial power Kansas.  It could come back to haunt me, but if it actually happens, oh what a pick up line I will have to use tomorrow night.  Seriously, girls go nuts over the fact that you picked upsets in the tournament.  Especially when you have a computer print out of your bracket in your back pocket for proof.

The last game of the night was the entertaining battle between VCU (11) and UCLA (6).  The game went down to the wire, and generally the free advertising that a university receives from having a team in the tournament is good for the school.  Applications at VCU may have gone down for next year, however.  It had nothing to do with the men on the court; no, they performed admirably.  The student section, on the other hand, hit RB (Rock Bottom).  With 1:57 left in the game, tension was high, nerves were rattled, shirts were off.  On girls.  This is a great thing, right?  Not quite.  I was enjoying a delicious orange popsicle when all of a sudden, my heavenly 46” TV suddenly, and without warning, displayed this image:



Seriously, those girls look 13.  The broadcast suddenly went from PG to PG-13, and that was a change I was not ready for.  The girl on the left actually ends up looking pretty cute, but after pausing the game and looking at her in various frames for about 5 minutes, Mosher and I definitely finished the debate.  Compared to her friend (who, by the way, is borderline heinous.  How did the producers of the game let this image slip into the broadcast?), she is hot, and she seems to have a lovely body- but if you put clothes on her, she would be average to quite average.  Kind of like me.  When I can’t use my 6-pack to get girls, it’s back to square one (aka relying on the bracket flashing).

A picture is worth a thousand words, or in this case three: not enough clothes

A picture is worth a thousand words, or in this case three: not enough clothes

Mouse War 2009 is trumped by a 6 overtime THRILLER

In The Sporting Life, Uncle Jesse's Favorites, Winner Winner Chicken Dinner! on March 13, 2009 at 12:24 am
Mano a mouso

Mano a mouso

I came face to face with the enemy of 2009 last night.  No, not Bernie Madoff (though somewhat similar in appearance).  Fievel.   The leader of the kind of army who stages surprise attacks under the cover of the night, steals the opposition’s rations and takes shits at their headquarters.  The kind of army who must be destroyed (or at least removed).

It all started when I was just trying to be responsible and pick up after myself.  Gathering some loose papers and popsicle wrappers from the coffee table, I walked into the kitchen having absolutely no idea what was about to go down.

Leaning over the garbage can to make my deposit, a flash of brown on the white plastic lining at the bottom of the receptacle alerted me that I was not alone in the kitchen.  Fievel!  Oftentimes wars are won not by a great maneuver, but rather as the result of a tactical error.  Maybe he could have climbed out if he had more time, and if he had not been up against a much larger foe.  Who was smarter.  And more of a ninja.

I dropped him off in the garbage can on the corner a couple blocks away, still in the tied garbage bag.  It may seem cruel, but I am not worried- I think Fievel can chew his way out of a garbage bag.  I mean, we’re talking about a mouse who ate through plastic to get to a caramel cream (who wouldn’t?).

Are we mouse free?  For the time being, it seems to.  But only time will tell.

Speaking of more evenly matched wars, Syracuse and UConn are in the third overtime of an epic Big East tournament quarterfinal on ESPN.  I was at MSG last night to see the Orange take down the Pirates of Seton Hall.  Seton Hall, by the way, has to be one of the most bogus Division I program in the counry.  Their uniforms are as ugly as their games, their mascot is a goofy pirate (below), and their cheerleaders look like they are cast members of MTV True Life: I live at the Jersey Shore (“cheez bawls.  Steak sandwiches.  We pretty much own this joint!”).  The male cheerleaders had my new haircut, and the females had thick thighs and surely thicker accents.   That was mean.

Killer boots man

Killer boots man

But Seton Hall is not the story here, dude!  The Orange and the Huskies are putting on a ridiculous show.  It’s now 12:35 a.m, and UConn just missed a shot at the buzzer to send us to the 4th overtime.  This is the first 4 overtime game in Big East Tournament history, according to Bill Raftery, who managed to spit out this fact between seizures and yelling “The kiss!”  He also happened to be Seton Hall’s coach from 1970-82.

12:48- We’re heading for overtime number 5!  Unbelievable.  I’m getting tired just watching them.  When the clock reads 0.0 (for the 7th time this game), 65 minutes of play will have been completed.  Can we go to 6 overtimes?  Is that even possible?  Regulation ended an hour and twenty minutes ago when Eric Devendorf hit a three at the buzzer that was waved off upon review.

Devendorf has fouled out, as has UConn’s front line.  It’s 108-108 with 58.4 seconds left.  Wow.  36 seconds left, a recent sub for UConn just hit a jumper.  110-108.  Johnny Flynn from Syracuse just hit two free throws.  110-110.  15.1 seconds left, timeout UConn.  My palms are sweating.  Worse than when I executed Fievel’s capture.

We’re going to 6 overtimes!  I have no words left.  I want to stop writing.  I want to go to bed.  We’re heading towards 70 minutes of basketball, or for you math majors, 7/4 of a game.  According to Raftery, the longest college basketball game was 7 overtimes, between Cincinnatti and Bradley in 1991.  So now you know, and knowing’s half the battle.

Syracuse just hit a 3 pointer to open the 6th overtime, and amazingly, that is their first lead of any overtime, which is baffling.  UConn looks exhausted, and the Orange have seemingly caught their second wind, and now lead 115-110 with 2:40 left.

Hahahaha Paul Harris from Syracuse just got absolutely Sprited trying to dunk, but recovered and put in an And 1.  On that note, this entry is over.  I will give you the final score, when and if the game ends, but I am tapped.  Right now it’s 118-112 Syracuse with 2:12 left.  If I had to work as hard as either of these teams in Mouse War 2009, I would have surrendered the apartment.

It’s over.

Start time: 9:36 p.m

End time: 1:22 a.m

Final scores:

Syracuse 127, UConn 117

My apartment 5, Team Mouse 0