You can't sweat out . . .

Archive for the ‘They have the Fever’ Category

“Yessssssssssssssssssssssssss” -Marv Albert

In They have the Fever on July 16, 2009 at 10:05 am

A view from where the John Stamos Fever has taken me this week:

YOUUU SHALL NOT PASS!

YOUUU SHALL NOT PASS!

Harry Dunne: Lloyd, I can’t feel my fingers, they’re numb!
Lloyd Christmas: Oh well here, take this extra pair of gloves, my hands are starting to get a little sweaty.
Harry Dunne: Extra gloves? You’ve had extra gloves this whole time?
Lloyd Christmas: Uh yea, we are in the Rockies. Jeez!

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*Update*: Of mice and men (subtitled: Score one for the good guys)

In Just absolutely dominating people, They have the Fever on February 14, 2009 at 12:03 pm

Casualties are inevitable in any armed conflict, and I believe it is completely justifiable to take lives when faced with enemy forces invading one’s home territory.  Especially when I am on the only side with access to weapons.  Including a brain larger than a peanut.  That’s my type of battle.

After a week of frustration and near misses, we finally eliminated a member of the opposition’s army.  It wasn’t clean, and it wasn’t pretty.  And it wasn’t without pain: for him acutely physical; for us, definitively psychological.

The date?  Thursday, February 12, 2008.

The time?  Between the hours of 7-8 am.

The location?  Our kitchen in Brooklyn.

The opposing forces who met?  Mighty Mouse and Mighty Mosher.  What followed was an act of brutal necessity, described by the mercenary himself, in what is surely the most powerful email you will read today (or ever):

Subject: Good morning

Time: 7:42 am

Body:

“Little did I know when I woke up this morning that I would be forced to dig deep into the darkest corners of my psyche and summons the courage to brutally take the life of another of Earth’s creatures for the good of our apartment.  But that is exactly what this morning had in store for me.

I walked  into the kitchen, still wiping sleep from my eyes, and stopped dead in my tracks.  On the floor I could clearly see a gray mass hanging out of one end of our spring traps.  My first thought was that it looked like a dust ball.  Seriously.  Given the proven stealthiness and agility of these supermice, this new chapter just seemed to fit perfectly into this ongoing tragicomedic saga: a dust ball blowing harmlessly across our kitchen floor had applied enough pressure to the trap to set it off, even though the mice have been feasting off the trap with no results.  But as I turned on the light to get a better look, I realized I was wrong.  So wrong.

The mouse was still alive, and struggling.  His rear quarters had been clamped down by the spring trap, but his front half was most certainly alive.  It brought to mind the hiker in Colorado whose arm had been pinned down by a boulder.   A helpless feeling, I am sure.  Not only was the mouse alive, but he still had the strength in his anterior to drag his crippled hind legs and the entire weight of the trap across our kitchen floor.  Honestly, this mouse was clearing some ground.  I don’t know what his plan was, or where he thought he was going.  Maybe there was some rodent surgeon waiting for him in the walls of our apartment — it wouldn’t surprise me.  These mice have seemed to evolve the equivalent of 400,000 years in the last three weeks.  The shock, awe, excitement, curiosity, and amazement that had so pleasantly been stroking my emotional canvas were quickly dissolving.  A new, more powerful feeling was taking hold, and it was eclipsing all else.  It was an urgent, Jack Baueresque sense of responsibility.    I knew what had to be done.

I walked into our coat closet and found the heaviest object I could.  It happened to be Financial Peace Revisited by Dave Ramsey.  I grabbed the book and stormed back into the kitchen, not stopping for a second to consider how I would approach the task at hand.  The rest is a blur, but I have snapshots of the book laying on the ground, feet coming down on the book, eyes closing… Screaming! Gasping! Mayhem! Confusion! pain!

Silence…..”

Oh such powerful words.  Luckily, Mosher was able to take a self portrait after this initial kill in Mouse Wars 2009:

I got a fevah. And the only prescription is… more SAX

In They have the Fever on January 23, 2009 at 12:49 am

Sometimes, when in the right hands, the sax is better than sex.  I mean, so I’ve heard.  I can’t play the sax, and I’m not married yet, so I kind of just have to rely on second hand accounts of both.  Two loyal JSF readers, the golden god Joe Sarge and Tommy (aka Maine Coast 12) Nale, love the 80s.  And they love the sax.  Particularly, they seemed to love when the sax and the 80s mixed.  I was intrigued so I asked for them to provide the first ever guest contribution on John Stamos Fever.  And what I got was a brilliant tornado of emails filled with gems from these two.  When the dust finally settled, here’s what I was able to piece together:

While the sax may not be the uber instrument some wish it to be, with correct placement and execution, it has the power to raise a song to that next level of greatness.  Historians have theorized for decades about when the true birth of the saxophone as a dominant instrument occurred, but few argue with the fact that Gerry Rafferty, fresh off some great work with Stealers Wheel, really held the coming out party for the saxophone.  He helped make it a staple, God bless him.  And a staple it has stayed.  The high was when our president was a rock star on the sax.  The higher, of course, was James Brown’s “Living in America.”  What a classic.  You just know that James was sitting around his mansion, smoking some crack, and saying, albeit inaudibly, “How can I make this song I’m using in Rocky IV more hip?”  Clearly, in a cloud of smoke and after several pipe burns, he found his answer.  Unfortunately he was not prescient enough to find a way to save Apollo from a vicious and fatal beatdown.

Yes, the 80s were a dominant decade, and the sax was there to usher it in.  For example, there’s the heavy sax usage in the “The Heat Is On,” a song that not only launched Glenn Frey’s solo career (and a completely kick-ass appearance on Miami Vice) but also served as the intro for the opening credits in one of [Tommy’s] favorite movies, and arguably the first buddy-cop comedy ever, Beverly Hills Cop.  The sax wasn’t done though.  By 1985, it was just getting warmed up as the last two minutes or so of Kenny Loggins’ “Danger Zone” is just one big sax orgasm.

There are many ways to incorporate the saxophone into a song but all methods result in the aural bliss we have come to love and sometimes crave uncontrollably.  The Sarge has broken the way the sax is used in songs, and in movies, into the following four categories:

Ultimate Sax:  Some songs just grab the sax and run with it.  The lead singer knows when they have to bow down to the instrument, for it is the star.  Huey Lewis and the News and James Brown had that big band sound and made liberal use of the saxophone. The aforementioned “Living in America” and “Back in Time” are not only fantastic but helped to make Rocky IV and Back to the Future the awe inspiring films they are.

Sax on repeat: Other songs feature the sax appearing again and again. “Who Can it Be Now” and “Overkill” by Men At Work and “Your Latest Trick” by Dire Straits are such gems.  Each of these keep coming back to the saxophone just as Rambo keeps single-handedly defeating entire armies and saving the day.

Sax solo: Hits like “If You Leave” by OMD, “Never Surrender” by Corey Hart, “Rio” by Duran Duran, and even “Kokomo” by the Beach Boys blindside you with amazing saxophone breakdowns.  Some are short and sweet while others are quite substantial.  In terms of drinking, the sax solo “was to music what an Irish Car Bomb is to a night of drinking–everyone’s enjoying the show, cruising along and having a good time until the Car Bomb’s start flowing, and then holy hell it’s all over, people take it to the next level, and awesomeness ensues.”

Happy ending sax: A Happy ending sax hit, much like its massage counterpart, finishes off with something extra and leaves the listener with a wonderful sense of euphoria.  “Dancing in the Dark” by Springsteen, while having some difficult to hear sax throughout, kicks it up a notch at the end.  And while listening to “Super Freak” by Rick James or “Danger Zone” by Kenny Loggins, you’re probably thinking, “This can’t possibly get any better” and then wham, super crazy awesome saxophone solo that blows your mind.

Experts still won’t go as far as to say that the sax is inherently awesome–although it may well be.  Many think that maybe it just seems more awesome because it’s involved in a lot of awesome songs.  It’s in “Bad to the Bone.”  80’s legends Huey Lewis, Hall and Oates, Dire Straits, Bruce Springsteen, INXS, Eddie Money, Gloria Estefan, and of course, Billy Ocean all had some big boy sax solos in some of their best 80’s hits.

Maybe the sax is entirely awesome (though nobody thinks Kenny G is awesome) all on it’s own, but it’s more likely the product of great placement and kick-ass timing.  Yes, the era of sax solos seemed to end with the 80s but the songs we got from it can still melt your face off with their awesomeness.