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Posts Tagged ‘Domination’

Pink Lips drops nicknames, Stewie Griffin drops knowledge

In The Sporting Life on June 15, 2009 at 10:36 pm

Flipping through the channels, I landed on ESPN just in time to see Prince Fielder crush a grand slam against the Indians to put the Brewers up 13-12 in the top of the 8th inning.  Hitting a grand slam is awesome (vs. Rotary in Little League, 1993.  No big deal), but hitting a grand slam in the bottom of the 9th would be the best thing ever.  The only thing that could even come close is a. . . pop up to the second baseman?

If you have poor social skills and pink lips, you take game winning hits anyway you can get them.   If your favorite team is playing the Yankees, you only have to be worried about A-Rod if your team is up or down by 7 runs.  As such, it was no surprise when, down by 1 with two runners on base, A-Rod popped up what should have been the final out of the game.  The surprise came when a former Gold Glove second baseman, Luis Castillo, dropped the ball, allowing both the tying and winning runs to cross the plate (credit where credit is due, Mark Teixeira was complete money running out a routine pop up that 9,999 times out of 10,000 would end the game and then scoring from first base).

In classic fashion, A-Rod got interviewed in front of the dugout, with the crowd still screaming, as if he did something besides blow it in a clutch situation.  And in even more classic fashion, A-Rod proceeded to pepper his comments with the nicknames of his teammates, pretty much screaming, “Hey everyone- I know these guys!  We’re all friends!  I am normal in the clubhouse.  Nope, not a freak at all!”

In one sweet swoop of the tongue, he let drop the following nicknames in a single sentence: Jeet, Teix, Mo (Mariano Rivera) and Joe (his manager).  Listening to an A-Rod interview is kind of like overhearing a 7th grader trying to fit in (assuming that the 7th grader cost a quarter of a billion dollars, took steroids and took down Madonna).

Oh Jeet?! Get Mo and Teix and come over here!

Jeet?! Get Mo and Teix and come hang out in this room that awkwardly has both mattresses and tires on the floor!

….. Wow, I wasn’t even planning on writing about A-Rod, but that grand slam somehow aroused the memory of watching Pink Lips be a faux hero last week, and when he actually wins it really grinds my gears.  And who, might you ask, grinds Peter Griffin’s gears?  Lindsay Lohan, but I’ll get to that in a minute.

Who really grinds Peter Griffin’s gears are two JSF all-stars, MaineCoast12 and Uncle Mike, who amazingly, despite their seemingly encyclopedic knowledge of all that is radical and awesome, both want a Family Guy movie to be created.  Which would be a great thought. . . if it were 2005.

Take a minute, catch your breath, and then immediately go rent Family Guy Presents Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story, which came out in 2006.  Granted, it may have gone straight to DVD, but it still counts as a movie.  And a hilarious one at that.  Peter hosts a segment on the news that is just him ranting about what “grinds his gears.”  Sample fare:

“You know what really grinds my gears? This Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay Lohan with all those little outfits, jumping around there on stage, half-naked with your little outfits. Ya know? You’re a… You’re out there jumping around and I’m just sitting here with my beer. So, what am I supposed to do? What you want? You know, are we gonna go out? Is that what you’re trying to – why why are you leaping around there, throwing those things all up in my, over there in my face? What do you want, Lindsay? Tell me what you want? Well, I’ll tell you what you want, you want nothing. You want nothing. All right? Because we all know that no woman anywhere wants to have sex with anyone, and to titillate us with any thoughts otherwise is – is just bogus.”

Did I mention that this was 2005?  Just insert the name Megan Fox where Lindsay Lohan appears above and the rant will be far more relevant in the year 2009.

You rogue!

You rogue!

I’ll let you all check it out for yourselves, but it is a classic.  Where else can you see Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa interview Mayor Adam West?  Where else can you see Stewie in the future?  Where else can you see Wilfred Brimley talk about hitting his wife? Where else can you see a Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man Emporium?

Nowhere.

He shoots, he scores! Laces out, Dan!

In Just absolutely dominating people, The Sporting Life, Uncle Jesse's Favorites on March 10, 2009 at 10:43 pm

Want to pick up a girl?  Use a movie quote.  (This may be slightly to moderately successful)

Want to make your friends laugh?  Use a movie quote. (This may be very to extremely successful)

Want to create the best signature goal call in the history of the NHL on radio*? Use a movie quote.

(* This statement is, of course, absolute assumption, as I had previously never heard another NHL goal call)

Thanks to my uncle Mike (and the Dan Le Batard show), I am now aware of a genius at work near the southernmost point of our great country.  The play by play announcer of the Florida Panthers, Randy Moller, is making goals by the Florida Panthers among my favorite plays in sports.  If he announced Red Sox homeruns like he does Panthers tallies, I don’t think I would ever miss another Sox game on the radio.

You see, with help from the suggestions of listeners to the Dan Le Batard radio show, Moller, a former 13 year NHL vet, peppers goal calls with references from some of the most quotable movies ever.   Examples of his work:

“He shoots, he scores!  Make me a bicycle clown!”  (Kid yelling at Vince Vaughn in Wedding Crashers),

“He shoots, he scores!  Pay dat man his money.”  (John Malkovich as Teddy KGB in Rounders), and my personal favorite

“He shoots, he scores!  Who is your daddy, and what does he do?” (Arnold Schwarzenegger in Kindergarten Cop).

Not to be lost in the shuffle is the fact that the picture at the beginning of this glorious youtube compilation of some of his best calls makes him look like a confused gym teacher with sex offender facial hair. . . or a former hockey player.  But it only adds to his aura when that flashes on the screen before he launches into his goal calls of glory.

As Randy Moller is surely a reader of John Stamos Fever, I’d like to suggest the following gems for him:

“He shoots, he scores!  I invented the paino key necktie.  I invented it!” (Will Ferrell as Mugatu in Zoolander)

“He shoots, he scores!  You play ball like a girl!” (The Great Hambino in The Sandlot)

“He shoots, he scores!  Get busy living, or get busy dying!” (Morgan Freeman as Red in Shawshank Redemption)

“He shoots, he scores!  I’m going to murderball you!” (Jonah Hill in Knocked Up)

“He shoots, he scores!  SWEEP THE LEG” (Cobra Kai dude in Karate Kid)

“He shoots, he scores!  Sloth love Chunk!  (Sloth in The Goonies)

“He shoots, he scores!  You’re out of your element Donnie!”  (John Goodman as Walter in The Big Lebowski)

“He shoots, he scores!  Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!”  (Vince Vaughn as Wes Mantooth in Anchorman)

“He shoots, he scores!   I caught you a delicious bass!”  (Jon Heder in Napoleon Dynamite)

“He shoots, he scores!   Throw another shrimp on the barbie!”  (Jim Carrey as Lloyd in Dumb and Dumber)

“He shoots, he scores! Rocky loves Emily.  Rocky loves Emily!”  (Colt and Tum Tum in 3 Ninjas)

“He shoots, he scores!  This is your wake up call, Bohdi!  I am an F, B, I, AGENT!” (Keanu Reeves as Johnny Utah in Point Break)

There are, of course, thousands of these.  I’d go on but I’d love to hear some of your favorites, oh loyal readers.

And I need to keep my next pick up line a secret.

*Update*: Of mice and men (subtitled: Score one for the good guys)

In Just absolutely dominating people, They have the Fever on February 14, 2009 at 12:03 pm

Casualties are inevitable in any armed conflict, and I believe it is completely justifiable to take lives when faced with enemy forces invading one’s home territory.  Especially when I am on the only side with access to weapons.  Including a brain larger than a peanut.  That’s my type of battle.

After a week of frustration and near misses, we finally eliminated a member of the opposition’s army.  It wasn’t clean, and it wasn’t pretty.  And it wasn’t without pain: for him acutely physical; for us, definitively psychological.

The date?  Thursday, February 12, 2008.

The time?  Between the hours of 7-8 am.

The location?  Our kitchen in Brooklyn.

The opposing forces who met?  Mighty Mouse and Mighty Mosher.  What followed was an act of brutal necessity, described by the mercenary himself, in what is surely the most powerful email you will read today (or ever):

Subject: Good morning

Time: 7:42 am

Body:

“Little did I know when I woke up this morning that I would be forced to dig deep into the darkest corners of my psyche and summons the courage to brutally take the life of another of Earth’s creatures for the good of our apartment.  But that is exactly what this morning had in store for me.

I walked  into the kitchen, still wiping sleep from my eyes, and stopped dead in my tracks.  On the floor I could clearly see a gray mass hanging out of one end of our spring traps.  My first thought was that it looked like a dust ball.  Seriously.  Given the proven stealthiness and agility of these supermice, this new chapter just seemed to fit perfectly into this ongoing tragicomedic saga: a dust ball blowing harmlessly across our kitchen floor had applied enough pressure to the trap to set it off, even though the mice have been feasting off the trap with no results.  But as I turned on the light to get a better look, I realized I was wrong.  So wrong.

The mouse was still alive, and struggling.  His rear quarters had been clamped down by the spring trap, but his front half was most certainly alive.  It brought to mind the hiker in Colorado whose arm had been pinned down by a boulder.   A helpless feeling, I am sure.  Not only was the mouse alive, but he still had the strength in his anterior to drag his crippled hind legs and the entire weight of the trap across our kitchen floor.  Honestly, this mouse was clearing some ground.  I don’t know what his plan was, or where he thought he was going.  Maybe there was some rodent surgeon waiting for him in the walls of our apartment — it wouldn’t surprise me.  These mice have seemed to evolve the equivalent of 400,000 years in the last three weeks.  The shock, awe, excitement, curiosity, and amazement that had so pleasantly been stroking my emotional canvas were quickly dissolving.  A new, more powerful feeling was taking hold, and it was eclipsing all else.  It was an urgent, Jack Baueresque sense of responsibility.    I knew what had to be done.

I walked into our coat closet and found the heaviest object I could.  It happened to be Financial Peace Revisited by Dave Ramsey.  I grabbed the book and stormed back into the kitchen, not stopping for a second to consider how I would approach the task at hand.  The rest is a blur, but I have snapshots of the book laying on the ground, feet coming down on the book, eyes closing… Screaming! Gasping! Mayhem! Confusion! pain!

Silence…..”

Oh such powerful words.  Luckily, Mosher was able to take a self portrait after this initial kill in Mouse Wars 2009: