You can't sweat out . . .

Posts Tagged ‘Guinness World Records’

Michael Phelps smoking from a bong is not a world record

In The Sporting Life on February 3, 2009 at 1:31 am

I woke up this Monday morning feeling a little overwhelmed.  Did I have an especially brutal week of work ahead?  No.  Did I lose this month’s rent betting on the Super Bowl’s coin toss? No (but I should have bet.  It was heads.  And I always call heads).   Had I sleepwalked and ended up being big spoon in my roommate Mosher’s bed?  No.

No, none of those reasons contributed my unease.  The one, and only thing that was causing me to consider the ramifications of how I would have to act during that particular day was the new responsibility I had so willingly taken on just hours earlier.  The weight on my shoulders, of course, was the adoration and respect that is inevitably showered upon a world record holder.

That’s right, my first, and only (thus far) world record involves no talent whatsoever.  Except maybe the talent of hanging around with epic people.  In this case, it was thousands of others who gathered on Long Beach, Long Island, to jump in the ocean and raise money for the Make-a-Wish foundation.   On Sunday afternoon at approximately 1:18 pm, I joined an estimated 3,500 others to become world champions of simultaneous mid winter dips into freezing water.

Get down to the wataaahhhh

Get down to the wataaahhhh

Sadly, the feat we accomplished on Sunday was seemingly forgotten by Monday morning.   The cover of amNewYork was not a picture of a Polar Bear, but rather a full size image of my fellow world record holder Michael Phelps taking a rip from a bong.  Apparently Phelps doesn’t understand what it means to be a role model.  Holding a world record takes a lot of responsibility and living your life the right way.  Come on, Phelps- you didn’t see a picture of any of us (and there were 3,500 chances) on the cover of a newspaper doing the pot.

I guess it is just emblematic though.  His water?  Chlorinated and temperature controlled.  Ours?  Peed in and cold as hell.  I mean what sacrifice does it really take to be an Olympic swimmer?

Annnnd, this tangent is done.

Anyway, while it was definitely worth it to go in the water and set a world record (I am anxiously awaiting information on how I can purchase my official Guinness certificate, which will be framed and hung above my bed.  For the rest of my life), I was a little disappointed with the temperature of the water.  When little kids are pausing after getting out of the surf to build sandcastles before heading for their towel, it may be a bad sign.  Alright, that didn’t happen, and maybe I am just used to ridiculously cold water, having swum in the Atlantic off Maine as early as May, but I expected to have my breath completely knocked out.

Still, whenever I walked past either Storelli or Corrigan today, I sensed a newfound air of respect between us.  Not respect for each other as co-workers, Polar Bears, or even men.  No, this was a new type of respect, the type of respect that only those in the fraternity of world record holders can truly understand.


Bloody nipples are terrifying, and world records are hot

In Uncle Jesse's Favorites on January 27, 2009 at 11:50 pm

I came to three very important realizations today:

1) I will never, ever, run a marathon.

The route of the New York City marathon passes my apartment 7 miles from the start, and each of the past two years, I have stumbled out of my bed at 9 in the morning to walk outside and watch as men and women run past, their spirits and energy levels still high.  Seeing these runners always makes me think in the back of my mind, This would be a great challenge, maybe I should look into doing it. Then, both years, I looked down and saw that I was still wearing my Halloween costume from the night before (both marathons were run on the Sunday after Halloween), and decided that running 26.2 consecutive miles probably just wasn’t for me.

The text I received from my buddy Ploof today really helped cement my desire to never run:  “[My girlfriend and I] ran the marathon in 4 hours, 40 minutes.  Two hours of which I ran sans shirt due to bloody nipples.  3 hours of which my upper thighs needed to be wrapped in vaseline coated ace bandages due to chaffage.”

This marks the first time that bloody nipples have caused me to decide anything in my life.

2) I made a horrible, horrible mistake when I failed to include Joe Esposito’s “Best Around” in The Karate Kid in my top movie songs list.

While overall the list dominated, failing to include this song, in this movie, is borderline inexcusable.  Especially when I actually break into the song at least once a week, “You’re the best around. . . NOTHING’S EVER GONNA KEEP YOU DOWN,” at random times.  It really fits in any situation: I can keep equally pumped up to play a basketball game or make a sandwich when I start channeling my inner Joey Esposito.

3) This Sunday I am going swimming.

Not having hot water for 8 days (the streak ended yesterday) apparently wasn’t enough to chill me to the bone, so I am going to take the Polar Bear plunge into the Atlantic Ocean on Super Bowl Sunday.  I’m shivering now just thinking about it.

Mosher and I will be joining two epic guys I work with, Storelli and Corrigan, along with thousands of others, in an attempt to set a Guinness World Record:

Two important considerations go into this.  First, if we do in fact set the world record, we have the option of purchasing an official world record certificate. Is it a rip off?  Probably.  Will it look awesome on my wall? Undoubtedly.

Second, as always, frozen nipples > bloody nipples.