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Posts Tagged ‘Uncle Jesse’

Vince Chase’s character is based on Uncle Jesse

In Jesse, the Rippers, and their contemporaries on August 6, 2010 at 10:45 pm

Don’t even think for a minute that I’ve missed that fact that our Golden Boy has joined the cast of Entourage, playing a hilarious sore loser/one time candidate to be Johnny Drama’s co-star.  Looking as young and Uncle Jesse-like as ever no less.  It’s great to see America’s Favorite Uncle (this title is not supported by any sort of nonsense scientific voting) back on the small screen doing what he does best: being cool.  Looking as spry as he did back when he was dropping beats faster than he was dropping panties with the Rippers, Stamos on the show is a hardcore ping pong enthusiast.  With some pretty damn good moves, no stunt double needed, thank you very much.  This all reminds me of the Full House episode that I saw last week when Uncle Jesse lifts Nicki and Alex up, one in each arm, while he was leg pressing two thousand pounds.  Literally.  Don’t worry, Aunt Becky was spotting him.

Uncle Jesse could outplay any of the guys on Tool Academy even if he shaved off his mullet

In Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood on January 24, 2009 at 6:26 pm

Before he married Aunt Becky, Uncle Jesse was what you would call a player.  There is an ad in magazines for Canadian Club right now that says before he met your mother, your dad got two numbers in one night.  Apparently this is supposed to be impressive.  And maybe it was in the early 70s, or whenever those ads are supposed to be based in, but it was not in Uncle Jesse’s prime.  Uncle Jesse could get two numbers in a room just by leaning against the wall and putting out the vibe.  Your dad may have drank Canadian Club whiskey, but he was no match for the charisma, mullet and leather jacket of Uncle Jesse.

One Friday night while out in San Francisco, Uncle Jesse got the numbers of 77 beautiful women, 43 of which he would later bed.  The other 34 were denied access to unspeakable pleasure because either: a) they were only hot enough to give Jesse their number, not sleep with him b) they didn’t like Elvis or c) there are only so many days on the calendar.  It wasn’t too hard for him, as Uncle Jesse Syndrome is a precursor to John Stamos Fever.

FR?  Freaking Radical

FR? Freaking Radical

Once he met Aunt Becky, however, Jesse burned his black book (though he was offered $500 from Joey Gladstone for it).  His playing days were over.  He had a girlfriend, and he had a responsibility.  This example of a reformed player was obviously the inspiration for the new Vh1 new show Tool Academy.

The premise of the show is both amusing and baffling.  Eight guys thought that they were going to be in a competition to crown “Mr. Awesome,” a title that apparently these fools didn’t know has already been awarded to John Stamos by me.   And everyone knows there can only be one Mr. Awesome in this country.

Anyway, Vh1 flips the switch on these guys, and they are actually enrolled in the Tool Academy.  What’s better is that their girlfriends see all of their audition tapes, and hidden camera footage of their boyfriends flirting with, getting nujmbers from and even kissing, other girls.  So you have 8 couples, the guys just getting completely exposed for being huge tools, and then their girlfriends come out, causing all sorts of shenanigans to occur.  Whichever guy makes the greatest strides to change from tool to cool passes the Tool Academy wins $100,000.

On an episode I watched this morning, one of the douchiest guys on the show, Sean (ironically, the vast majority of people in the world with this name are unspeakably sweet), is trying to win back the trust of his girlfriend, Jaimee.  He’s vowing to change, really selling himself as someone who will be a good boyfriend.  Of course, this is the cue in the script for a blonde in the sluttiest short shorts I have ever seen to walk in the room and announce herself as Aida, Sean’s gilfriend of six years.  Sean is of course shocked, and while he has feelings for both girls, is forced to choose one to stay on the show (he keeps the six year streak going and picks Aida).

I kind of hate myself for watching this show, but I can’t get enough.  It’s totally fake (while dumb, I’m sure these guys understand the concept of TV and how their girlfriends would eventually see what they happened, when the show aired), and the guys are all ridiculous meatheads.  The girls all look like the type who, while somewhat hot now, will eventually progress to a forty year old woman with two kids, no money, sagging boobs and a rocking fupa that she accents with the tightest pink Juicy sweatsuedos available.  The whole point of the show should be these couples getting counseling on how to ensure they never procreate.

On the temptations of being Uncle Jesse, and the awesomeness of Either/Or

In Uncle Jesse's Favorites on January 11, 2009 at 4:09 pm

Everyone knows that even though he was a wonderful husband, father and of course, uncle, Jesse Katsopolis had a wild side.  Now, this side didn’t make it onto ABC, and it sure as hell doesn’t show up now on ABC Family or Nick at Nite, but he was the front man and namesake of a band that hit the national stage when their Beach Boys-cover “Forever” earned them a record deal and cross-country tour.  It’s only common sense that he hit the bottle hard, and often*.  Being on the road, away from the grounding influences of  the Tanner household, long nights at the bar after a show in front of a raucous crowd would turn into longer nights back in the hotel, where Jesse’s room served as a meeting place for the Rippers and their groupies.  As he was committed to Aunt Becky, he would drown his loneliness with Jack Daniels rather than dive into the willing arms of the nearest Amber, Tiffany or Melusina (the Rippers, riding the coattails of their front man, enjoyed a bevy of Greek women who wanted, nay, needed to be in Jesse’s vicinity).  After these long nights, Jesse would stumble out of bed long after Danny and Becky had titillated viewers on Wake Up, San Francisco. He would look himself in the mirror and know that while the fans needed him, there were four women back in San Francisco who needed him more.

Inevitably, however, he would become bored with just sitting around drinking, and whatever room he was staying in would become the most sought after drinking game in town.  Now, we all remember the great Kings game of 1989, where the final king was not revealed until the very last card, and one round where Jesse drew a 9 (9, 9, Bust a Rhyme) lead to an eight minute rhyme during which ninety-seven words were invented and immediately added to the English lexicon.  Then, of course, there is the legendary Rippers Beer Pong Tournament of 1991, where Jesse made 17 shots in a row, including one blindfolded.  But perhaps the greatest gift that Uncle Jesse gave us was when he invented the drinking game “Either/Or”**.

The rules of the game are as simple as its name.  One person asks an either/or question.  For example, “Uncle Jesse or Uncle Joey?”  Starting with the player directly to the left of the person who asked the question, each participant answers which they prefer.  There are absolutely no clarifying questions allowed.  After each player answers, the originator answers his or her preference.

There are three possible outcomes:

1) All those who answered the opposite the originator owe a drink.

2) If no one agrees with the originator, (s)he drinks.

3) If everyone answers the same as the originator, it is a social.  In this case, as everyone would obviously say Uncle Jesse, everyone would take a drink.

The person to the left of the originator now asks a new question, and the game continues.

This game completely, utterly and without fail, gives me the fever.  If I had my way, I would play Either/Or everyday.  You can play it with or without drinking, so it is always available.  You can play it at your house.  You can play it with your spouse.  You can play it on in your car, you can play it at a bar.  You can play it in the park, you can play it after dark.  Ok, I’m done rhyming.

* Please note: this, and most other forthcoming assertions in this menial essay have been determined through reading Uncle Jesse’s body language over a variety of seasons, in a wide manner of situations, a la Simon Baker on The Mentalist. The only difference is while Baker just reads the script every week, I can actually do this.

** This game was actually introduced to me by a co-worker, but I have to imagine it was invented by Uncle Jesse, as it is almost too awesome for a mere mortal to create.