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Posts Tagged ‘Canadian Club’

Uncle Jesse could outplay any of the guys on Tool Academy even if he shaved off his mullet

In Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood on January 24, 2009 at 6:26 pm

Before he married Aunt Becky, Uncle Jesse was what you would call a player.  There is an ad in magazines for Canadian Club right now that says before he met your mother, your dad got two numbers in one night.  Apparently this is supposed to be impressive.  And maybe it was in the early 70s, or whenever those ads are supposed to be based in, but it was not in Uncle Jesse’s prime.  Uncle Jesse could get two numbers in a room just by leaning against the wall and putting out the vibe.  Your dad may have drank Canadian Club whiskey, but he was no match for the charisma, mullet and leather jacket of Uncle Jesse.

One Friday night while out in San Francisco, Uncle Jesse got the numbers of 77 beautiful women, 43 of which he would later bed.  The other 34 were denied access to unspeakable pleasure because either: a) they were only hot enough to give Jesse their number, not sleep with him b) they didn’t like Elvis or c) there are only so many days on the calendar.  It wasn’t too hard for him, as Uncle Jesse Syndrome is a precursor to John Stamos Fever.

FR?  Freaking Radical

FR? Freaking Radical

Once he met Aunt Becky, however, Jesse burned his black book (though he was offered $500 from Joey Gladstone for it).  His playing days were over.  He had a girlfriend, and he had a responsibility.  This example of a reformed player was obviously the inspiration for the new Vh1 new show Tool Academy.

The premise of the show is both amusing and baffling.  Eight guys thought that they were going to be in a competition to crown “Mr. Awesome,” a title that apparently these fools didn’t know has already been awarded to John Stamos by me.   And everyone knows there can only be one Mr. Awesome in this country.

Anyway, Vh1 flips the switch on these guys, and they are actually enrolled in the Tool Academy.  What’s better is that their girlfriends see all of their audition tapes, and hidden camera footage of their boyfriends flirting with, getting nujmbers from and even kissing, other girls.  So you have 8 couples, the guys just getting completely exposed for being huge tools, and then their girlfriends come out, causing all sorts of shenanigans to occur.  Whichever guy makes the greatest strides to change from tool to cool passes the Tool Academy wins $100,000.

On an episode I watched this morning, one of the douchiest guys on the show, Sean (ironically, the vast majority of people in the world with this name are unspeakably sweet), is trying to win back the trust of his girlfriend, Jaimee.  He’s vowing to change, really selling himself as someone who will be a good boyfriend.  Of course, this is the cue in the script for a blonde in the sluttiest short shorts I have ever seen to walk in the room and announce herself as Aida, Sean’s gilfriend of six years.  Sean is of course shocked, and while he has feelings for both girls, is forced to choose one to stay on the show (he keeps the six year streak going and picks Aida).

I kind of hate myself for watching this show, but I can’t get enough.  It’s totally fake (while dumb, I’m sure these guys understand the concept of TV and how their girlfriends would eventually see what they happened, when the show aired), and the guys are all ridiculous meatheads.  The girls all look like the type who, while somewhat hot now, will eventually progress to a forty year old woman with two kids, no money, sagging boobs and a rocking fupa that she accents with the tightest pink Juicy sweatsuedos available.  The whole point of the show should be these couples getting counseling on how to ensure they never procreate.

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