You can't sweat out . . .

Archive for May, 2009|Monthly archive page

Upfront Week: NPH, Zack Morris and Sean Penn bowing down to my billiard skills

In Winner Winner Chicken Dinner! on May 28, 2009 at 11:56 pm

Last week, every major television network presented their programming schedules for the upcoming season.  Basically, it’s a week for advertisers to see new shows and their stars and then get boozed up afterward.  As an advertiser, it’s a good week.

I had a lot of dreams realized during the week at the various presentations.  One of my personal heroes, Neil Patrick Harris (NPH to those in the know), gave a rundown of the “Bro Code” at the CBS presentation.  The Bro Code, of course, is the laws of life his character, Barney Stinson, follows on How I Met Your Mother, one of the best shows on TV today.  This performance was followed, but not topped, by LL Cool J rapping a rendition of his classic hit “Mama Said Knock You Out,” which really has no tie-in to his CBS project NCIS: Los Angeles, but is a sweet jam nonetheless.    Plus it’s always fun to watch a bunch of middle-aged executives in the premium seats awkwardly raise their hands in the ayeere, and wave em like they just don’t caeere.

At the Turner (TBS/TNT/Tru TV) presentation, Mark-Paul Gosselaar was in attendance promoting the second season of his newest show on TNT, Raising the Bar. Which I have never seen.  I did, however, watch him come of age as a teenager at Bayside High.

The best night, as usual, belonged to FOX, as they presented their shows and then hosted a fantastic party at Wollman Rink in Central Park.  While nothing as crazy as the great couch crapping incident of 2004 happened, it was a party to end all parties.  The bars were stocked with bottles of virtually any beer you wanted, along with every conceivable type of booze, save moonshine and absinthe.  Stars from their shows were scattered around the party, providing photo ops.  So I grabbed a bottle of one of my beers of choice, and headed to get a picture taken with one of the most appealing stars in all of TV. . . John Walsh of America’s Most Wanted.

America's Most Wanted: Livin' the High Life

America's Most Wanted: Livin' the High Life

After the party ended, a large group of us left the park and entered a bar across the street, ordered some beers and proceeded to begin playing a few games of pool.   I was my buddy Storelli’s partner on the table, although he tried to replace me with a guy who was sitting on a couch about 15 feet from the table.  Normally, I would be offended by my partner trying to replace me mid-game, but 1. The High-Lifes were taking a toll on my dexterity and 2. The guy he was trying to replace me with won the Oscar for Best Actor this year.  That’s right, Storelli tried to do the old Sean switcheroo, upgrading from me to Sean Penn.

I wish the story ended with Sean Penn replacing me and then running the table, but it was not to be.  Instead, he quickly exited the bar after being recognized.  Or, as I will tell people for the foreseeable future, an Oscar winner chose to leave a bar because he knew he couldn’t match my skills on the pool table.  I win!

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Update: The Davey and Sarah Chronicles

In Just absolutely dominating people on May 10, 2009 at 12:03 pm

I apologize for the vagueness of the previous post, but I was so blown away by the exchange that I wanted to post it immediately for the masses.

Davey is the friend of one Sean Corrigan, who has commented on the Fever before.  Sarah is Davey’s ex girlfriend, who, as bound by Dave’s rules, can never, ever claim that Santa Claus lives at the North Pole.  Even though he does.

The Davey and Sarah Chronicles

In Just absolutely dominating people on May 8, 2009 at 4:55 pm

Synopsis:

Davey and Sarah broke up 3 years ago.  Sarah can’t let go.  Davey shoots and scores.  Read on:

Apr 23, 2009

Dear Davey:
I have had a difficult time, over the past few years, achieving
Closure of our relationship. It is time for me to seek this. I have
gone through the appropriate stages of anger, remorse, sadness.

It is now time for me to close this chapter of my life. I
Am trying to recapture my life and gain a sense of identity back. In
my professional life I have done this, but my personal life
struggles. For so long I/We were “Sarah and Davey”, that it is hard to gain my own identity back. I am not worried about
my career; I will soon succeed even my wildest dreams. I am
just stunted by my personal life. I am ready to release you from my life. I also on a weekly basis encounter people who want to tell me about you or have a discussion about you. I do not want to deal with this anymore.
I do have a proposal on how to handle this.

I am ready to no longer be forced to deal with your presence.
As to how to deal with it, I propose the following:

1. I’ve heard you have an apartment on the West side. You need
to move out of the West side of Indianapolis, this has always been my side of town, I own a house here, and do not rent
like you. I grew up here, and always want to live here. I would prefer if
you were to leave Indianapolis all together, but I know this is more
than I can ask. I do not want to risk running into you at any store.

2. We should officially divide our friends. Particularly Jim,
Jillian, Amy, and Ed. You should write them, thanking them for
the opportunity to be their friend and explain why you can no
longer be in contact with them. I can provide you with
addresses, if you need.

3. I will stay out of Republican politics. I promise not to get
involved with any Republican politics, unless my father runs
for judge, and than I reserve the right to work on his campaign.

4. I would like you to not have anything to do with all things
Cathedral. I feel I should have ownership of the school since
my mother works there and my brother and sisters went there. You are more tied to Wabash. This should be where you dedicate your alumni status. I

will be involved in Cathedral. When the time of reunions comes
up, I am willing to say that you can have the reunions ending
in “0” years and I will take the”5″ years. So you can have 10 years
and I will take 25 years.

5. I will avoid Wabash contacts. The few guys from the house I
still speak to on a rare basis, I will not. I will also discourage any male offspring I have from attending Wabash.

I know some of these things seem a bit harsh, but I feel they
are for the best. I do not ever really wish to see you again. I know that this will of course happen beyond my control, but I think
we should do our best to avoid what we can.

It is my sincere hope that you understand, and do take the time
to respond. This is my last request of you.

With fondness,

Sarah

 

Response…

Dear Sarah,

Thanks for your letter. We broke up 3 years ago. Knowing that
and taking into consideration you believe me to be a cold,
career focused,ego-maniac, what on earth makes you think I would take the time to think about you or agree to your proposal? But since I
clearly have taken the time to respond, please take a moment to
review some comments and counterproposals I have crafted.

1. First, I will have to resist the burning urge to move RIGHT
NEXT DOOR TO YOU. After that deep desire subsides, I will
vacate the Westside and return to my roots: The Snooty
Northside, as you used to call it. However, since I was born on the Northside and I have Northside in my veins you must abdicate all ties to the North. This includes: Living on the Northside, living on the Northeastside, walking down North Street, being a fan of the Dallas Stars (formerly the Minnesota North Stars), wearing North Face apparel or
telling your children that Santa lives at the North Pole.

1 (B). I was born in Indianapolis before you were so I should really
get to determine who stays and who goes. In my benevolence I will let you exist here only within the St. Michael’s Parish boundary (MLK Dr. to
High School Rd. and 56th Street to 10th St.) We will call this the SarahZone.

This should be acceptable for you as your family lives across the street
and there is a gas station, grocery, convenience store, your place
of employment and a fire station. Exceptions can be made with
my expressed written consent. You will be required to display a large tag in your windshield giving you permission to travel beyond the SarahZone.

2. I haven’t talked to your friends since we broke up. I think
they got the message. However since we apparently are still in fourth
grade, please have your friends meet me by the playground at
recess so that I can tell them they have big fat heads and they aren’t my
friends anymore.

Do you agree? _______Yes ________No________Maybe

2 (B). One of the few times you let us do something fun, we
visited some of my family friends on Geist. It was about eight
years ago. We enjoyed their boat and home for several hours during a
pre-500 party. Please jot them a note saying you are going to forget that
ever happened. Please also offer to reimburse them for the boat gas,
pool chlorine, air conditioning Freon, Dr. Pepper and anything
else you consumed while you were there. I don’t have their
address anymore, you can look it up.

3. Please let me know when your father runs for anything. I’m going to run against him.

3 (B). Thanks for staying out of Republican politics. Your
heavyweight presence in the party will be sorely missed. I am very involved in ice hockey. I play recreationally and coach a youth team in the
winter. I would prefer it if you could stop being involved in all things
related to ice and ice hockey . You can use those instant first aid
coldpaks to cool your drinks from now on. Also, my parents have been very involved with the Indianapolis 500 Festival for nearly 20 years. The month of May is really a big month for us. While I am not able to honor your request of moving out of Indianapolis, I would ask that you just leave town during May. With 250,000 fans going to the race and 35,000 runners in the Mini-Marathon, I don’t want to run the risk of bumping into you. I know your birthday is in May, but man, I just don’t care.

4. Christ, I don’t have the energy for this one.

5. If any of my friends from Wabash actually still talk to you,
they are fucking fired as friends.

5 (B). I’m not going to tell my kids anything about you. But speaking
of kids, it would be okaywith me if my son was a crack addict, just as long as he got your kids hooked on it and became their dealer.

In closing, I will never make decisions about my life or my
family based on whether I might run into you at the store. I am
now convinced that if we ever do bump into each other, you will spontaneouslycombust. I wish you the best of luck find a spouse. Seriously. It won’t be easy to find a person who is willing to spend the rest of his life raising children and making decisions based
on your crazy-ass proposal to an ex-boyfriend and your inability to act like a rational human being.

All my best,

Davey